Hello, Goodbye

Hello,

WOW, it's been a long time since I've written in my blog.  Sorry about that.  I've been so, so, so busy with school, applying to college, track, friends, family, etc.  And, I've also been a little bored with what I started, the Ten People thing.  Which brings me to the reason why I'm writing tonight, instead of finishing my French composition on Pierre Gustav Pea (yes, I WILL explain that at a later date).

While surfing around on Facebook, I received a little notification that I have been tagged in a note by two of my friends.  The note's description was the following:

Write ten things you want to say to ten people. Any ten people you want, best friends or worst enemies and say anything you want about them, nice or not-so-nice. Then tag all the friends you want so that they see this note and the chain will continue. You don't necessarily have to tag the people listed in the note. 

I was going to do this too.  But then I realized, I already did something like this, and didn't finish it (like many other projects that I start).  So what I decided was that I'm going to still finish the Ten People thing I'm doing, just have other blogs in between.  That way I won't continue being bored with my blog (which should NEVER happen).

Today I went Christmas shopping with my sisters and Nana (I like to plan ahead. Hah!) and then we went to Applebees for dinner.  When we pulled up into our parking space, I looked over and saw an elderly couple walking to their car.  They were holding hands.  Nana made an "aw" sound, and I like going up to them and just simply hugging them.  Once they got to their car (a white mini-van) the husband walked up to the driver's side, held the door open for his wife, then shut it, and walked around to get into the passenger's side.  And I thought, "Now that's true love."  Nana was going off, saying something about how romantic, and my little sisters were oohing and aahing about the whole situation.

This made me think about something.  I thought about how sad it was, that we're sitting there, saying how sweet and lovely it is to watch an elderly couple hold hands and watch the husband be a gentleman and hold the car door open for his wife, who he clearly married because he loves her, until death does them part!  Why does this shock us?  What does that say about our society? That's the part that I think is sad, I think that should be expected and usual for a couple.  Not surprising and catch you off guard.

But it does, and I have to say, it really was a sweet moment, to share and watch that private moment with a couple who are in love and show it.

Ahh, she's back to her normal blogs again.  How refreshing, eh?

Goodbye! =]

The Riddle

• Pick 10 people, 5 female and 5 male.
• Now, think of something you'd like to tell them, ask them, show them, etc. 
• Don't address it to them and don't put the "letters" in any particular order. 
• Also, no one is allowed to ask you who's who!

[I'm gong to add these one day at a time to link the songs with the entries together.(Also to think about what I'm going to write to each person!)]

Person #7:

I want to know what you're thinking.  I want you to tell me why you act the way you do.  I want to know!

You're like the addictingly hard puzzle or riddle that I want to figure out, but I'm afraid to because if I do, the game will be all over.  Not many people peak my interest the way you do.  Usually I can accurately guess what someone is thinking already or I'm too annoyed to even try to figure it out.  But you always have new tricks up your sleeve and I never know (and I bet that half the time you don't either) when you'll pull out the next one.

You, like many people, are able to make me laugh.  You also test my patience, push me just past that (higher than it should be) tolerance level, and bring me back down to normal, all in a matter of seconds.  I don't know how, but you do it, almost with ease.

Your intelligence and the way the way that you use it intrigues me.  Your drive to b happy and bring peace between everyone fascinates me.  And your immature, slightly obnoxious comments and movements make me want to wring your neck.

But after every day, I'm able to say that you're there for me and shake my head at something adorably immature you said or did previously and think, "That person is the perfect riddle."

Sorry

• Pick 10 people, 5 female and 5 male.
• Now, think of something you'd like to tell them, ask them, show them, etc. 
• Don't address it to them and don't put the "letters" in any particular order. 
• Also, no one is allowed to ask you who's who!

[I'm gong to add these one day at a time to link the songs with the entries together.(Also to think about what I'm going to write to each person!)]

Person #6:

For every hurtful word, for every snide comment, for every small thing forgotten, for every feeling hurt, for every little argument made, I'm sorry.

I know I've told you this before, but I don't know if I've expressed just how sorry I really am.  I know I probably won't ever be able to tell you exactly how sorry I am, but I can try, until it's pretty much beat to death.  It's just the fact that a really good thing was ruined because of a misunderstanding and a lack of explaining, just because I let my scared emotions get the better of me.

You've been a major chapter in my life that I would never want to change and never want to forget.  I'm very thankful for that.  I'm also extremely thankful that we're still friends.

I guess I know that I've been apologizing too much.  But if I could go back in time, I'd make myself open my eyes and see how lucky I was and how great my life was.

But everything is okay for you and me right now, we're in our own separate lives, and I just want to tell you, that I'm really happy and thankful that I was able to share part of my life being close to you.

The Devil In Me

• Pick 10 people, 5 female and 5 male.
• Now, think of something you'd like to tell them, ask them, show them, etc. 
• Don't address it to them and don't put the "letters" in any particular order. 
• Also, no one is allowed to ask you who's who!

[I'm gong to add these one day at a time to link the songs with the entries together.(Also to think about what I'm going to write to each person!)]

Person #5:

You don't even have the slightest idea as to how you make me feel (even though the title and song should give that away).

Especially recently.  I've come to realize that I let myself have too much patience with you.  I've given you too many "chances", I let you talk to me, I let you in, I'm too nice too you.  Some people question if it's because I still "like" you or have feelings for you.  The answer is no.  There is no way I could possibly feel that way towards you right now.  You've tried to turn this around and make me look like the bad guy here.  I thought about it, I felt bad, then as you continued to hang around and wave and smile and talk to me, then ask why I hate you, I realized that I shouldn't feel bad at all.  We're both grown up (physically, that is) here.  No one should be blaming the other.  So stop.

Another thing that I've realized is how livid I get when I see you nowadays.  I can't even control it.  When I see you, I go rigid, my jaw tightens, and I even think I stop breathing sometimes.  Now, I do not, whatsoever, want to feel this way towards you, or anyone for that matter.  But I don't think about it when it happens.  I don't like it when it happens either because it's not me, it's not who I am.  It's a side of me that I don't like to see.

I guess the thing I want to ask, or rather tell you, is to stop talking to me, stop looking at me, stop thinking about me, stop waving to me and stop trying to get my attention.  I know all of that sounds harsh, but I hate being mad at someone, and I hate feeling the way I feel about you.

I don't have this problem with anyone else and I think it's probably because you're so persistent.

Maybe if you go back into your little shell that isolates you from people, like you tend to be very good at doing, and just hide for a little while.  Then maybe we can start over, as friends, come other time.  But as for now, and as far as I'm concerned, I don't want to talk to you because "you bring out the devil in me".  And I hate it.

"You've had your fun do you suppose I earned it?

Do you not see how I'm begging on me knees?

Don't speak, don't breath

You bring out the devil in me"

I'd Lie

• Pick 10 people, 5 female and 5 male.
• Now, think of something you'd like to tell them, ask them, show them, etc. 
• Don't address it to them and don't put the "letters" in any particular order. 
• Also, no one is allowed to ask you who's who!

[I'm gong to add these one day at a time to link the songs with the entries together.(Also to think about what I'm going to write to each person!)]

Person #4:

Not until recently, I realized that I've been listening to songs that remind me of you constantly (and not on purpose).

One thing that I notice is, whenever we talk or hangout, we get along almost perfectly.  I've always wanted to point this out to you, but sometimes I find myself rethinking what I want to say because I'm afraid of how you're react (not always though).  I know I shouldn't think this way, because you're you and you won't (at least I think you won't) judge me or not like me over something so little.

So, going back to the song thing I mentioned before, the song (that should be) playing is a perfect example.  I don't know where to begin with it because the whole song is perfect (with a few exceptions of course).  It make me think about you, a lot.  It also makes me want to be near you, just because.  It makes me want to tell you all about it, and show you how neat it is that a song can reflect someone so well.

Obviously the point of this little "project" that I have going on here is to tell you something that I either: am too shy to say out loud, haven't gotten the chance to say, or have been meaning to say and keep forgetting to.  Now, a few people can already guess who this letter is to (if not by the song itself, already).  But I guess that's okay because no one is supposed to ask!

So that thing I've been meaning to tell you (this seems sort of silly now, but oh well) is that I have a gift for you.  And I've had it for quite a few months now, but I haven't had the chance/the nerve to give it to you.  I'm not sure if/when I'll ever give it to you though.  But there, I said it and got it off my chest.

And here's the song for those of you interested in the lyrics:

I don't think that passenger seat

Has ever looked this good to me

He tells me about his night

And I count the colors in his eyes

He'll never fall in love

He swears, as he runs his fingers through his hair

I'm laughing 'cause I hope he's wrong

And I don't think it ever crossed his mind

He tells a joke, I fake a smile

But I know all his favorite songs

[Chorus]

And I could tell you

His favorite color's green

He likes to argue

Born on the seventeenth

His sister's beautiful

He has his father's eyes

And if you ask me if I love him... 

I'd lie

He looks around the room

Innocently overlooks the truth

Shouldn't a light go on

Doesn't he know

That I've had him memorized for so long

He sees everything in black and white

Never let nobody see him cry

I don't let nobody see me wishing he was mine

[Chorus]

He stands there, then walks away

My God, if I could only say

I'm holding every breath for you

He'd never tell you, 

But he can play guitar

I think he can see through

Everything but my heart

First thought when I wake up is

My God, he's beautiful

So I put on my make-up

And pray for a miracle

Yes I could tell you

[Chorus]

My Wish

• Pick 10 people, 5 female and 5 male.
• Now, think of something you'd like to tell them, ask them, show them, etc. 
• Don't address it to them and don't put the "letters" in any particular order. 
• Also, no one is allowed to ask you who's who!

[I'm gong to add these one day at a time to link the songs with the entries together.(Also to think about what I'm going to write to each person!)]

Person #3:

"I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow, 

And each road leads you where you wanna go, 

And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, 

I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed, 

I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window, 

If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.

But more than anything, more than anything... "

I've actually been meaning to send this song to you got the longest time.  Every time I hear it, you come to my mind.  I think this is because you have your whole life planned out already and you're perfectly content with it.  I envy you for that, and I"m happy that you know what you're doing and where you're going in your future.  And when I hear this song, I feel like I should have said this to you before you left for college.

"I hope you never look back, but you never forget, 

All the ones who love you, in the place you left, 

I hope you always forgive, and you never regret, 

And you help somebody every chance you get, 

Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake, 

And always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, more than anything... "

I know you're family is proud of you, and I can tell you that I, honestly, am very proud.  I know that we probably, most likely, won't lose touch after I graduate.  But I still fell like there was something left unsaid between us.  And I'm sure there was.  You never really opened up, and it was driving me insane that I didn't know what was on your mind.  But I guess song pretty much speaks for itself when it comes to what was left unsaid on my part.  My wish is for you to have an awesome college life, and a safe and happy adulthood, because you deserve it, just for being who you are.

You Learn

• Pick 10 people, 5 female and 5 male.
• Now, think of something you'd like to tell them, ask them, show them, etc. 
• Don't address it to them and don't put the "letters" in any particular order. 
• Also, no one is allowed to ask you who's who!

[I'm gong to add these one day at a time to link the songs with the entries together. (Also to think about what I'm going to write to each person!)]

Person #2:

You are one of the couple people that I am exceptionally glad I've met.  You've been such a great part of my life and hopefully you'll stick around for much, much more of it.  Just thinking about the odds of us meeting, and staying close, boggles my mind!

You are such an inspiring person and your personality is completely and utterly unique.  I have to admit that I sometimes find myself jealous of the way you carry yourself.  You have such simple traits, but all together you are your own, complex, human being that everyone should be thankful if they have you as a part of their life.

You're a perfect example of the way people should live their lives.  You're always excited to learn new things.  You're always willing to help someone else learn something that you already know.  You try your hardest to be the best you can.  You're a fighter of your own opinion and you don't back down when you're challenged.

One thing that I've learned from you is the ability to get by and be happy with life's tiniest, most insignificant things, whether they're said, done or seen.  Life is so full of these tiny events that make up your own life.  As life goes on, unstoppable like time itself, you learn.  Whether you want to or not, you learn.  And we all know, Alanis Morissette said it the best, "You live, you learn. You love, you learn. You cry, you learn. You lose, you learn. You bleed, you learn. You scream, you learn..."

True Colors

• Pick 10 people, 5 female and 5 male.
• Now, think of something you'd like to tell them, ask them, show them, etc. 
• Don't address it to them and don't put the "letters" in any particular order. 
• Also, no one is allowed to ask you who's who!

[I'm gong to add these one day at a time to link the songs with the entries together. (Also to think about what I'm going to write to each person!)]

Person #1:

Ever since I sat down one day, and listened to the song True Colors by Phil Collins (and/or Cyndi Lauper), I felt like I discovered a whole new feeling towards you.  I feel like I understand you a little bit more every time I hear the song.  It inspired me, almost, to be more patient with you, and to try to put myself in your shoes before I judge you, or respond to your actions.

I've learned to take in all of your subtle compliments and appreciate them wholly.  I've learned to feel flattered when you look up to me for advice.  I've learned that you really do have meanings to everything you do, and those actions shouldn't be questioned because you're human too.

You're one of the most talented and unique people I know, believe it or not, and you inspire me. You are proof that one can be content with themselves, and with living their life without depending on others.  You're not afraid to stand out, but you don't go looking to do so.

And despite what people say, or even what I say, you are a truly, unique person.  You don't go by stereotypes, no matter how much everyone wants to shove you into one particular one.  You just turn around, and prove that you don't fit into it, day after day.  And for this, I admire you. You and your true colors that are discovered newly every single day.

So, going back to the song, here's an excerpt -Heck, who am I kidding, the whole song fits you perfectly- so here's the whole song to read along with the music:

You with the sad eyes

Don't be discouraged

Though I realize

It's hard to take courage,

In a world full of people

You can lose sight of it

And the darkness, inside you

Makes you feel so small

But I see your true colours

Shining through

I see your true colours

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Just show your true colours,

True colours, ooh are beautiful like a rainbow.

Show me a smile,

Don't be unhappy, can't remember

When I last saw you laughing

If this world makes you crazy

And you've taken all you can bear,

Just call me up,

Cause you know I'll be there

And see your true colours

Shining through

I see your true colours

That's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colours,

True colours are beautiful,

Oh Like a rainbow

Such sad eyes,

Take courage now,

Realize

When this world makes you crazy

And you've taken all you can bear

Just call me up

Because you know I'll be there

And see your true colours

Shining through

I see your true colours

That's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Just show your true colours

True colours, true colours

Are shining through

I see your true colours

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid; just let them show

Your true colours, true colours

True colours are beautiful,

So beautiful, like a rainbow...

Collide

[This was written on the 9th of September by the way]

Have you ever listened to a song that you've known for so long, and have it feel like you're listening to it for the first time? Almost like it's a completely different song all together? Well, that happened to me just recently. As I was vacuuming, believe it or not.

But before I start on about that, let me tell you about my day so far. I woke up on time, showered and got ready for school. Because it was so quiet in my house, I lost track of time. Normally, my sisters are downstairs eating and my parents will be in the living room or just shot downstairs to make sure everyone is up and awake (this is only during the first part of the school year, then after a while, my parents won't even wake up). My youngest sister, Abbey, is sick, so she stayed in bed and my mom stayed in her room. Ashley stayed upstairs until the last possible moment, then she quietly snuck out to the bus. I didn't hear her go out, and I didn't hear anyone else, so I figured it was still early. But no, apparently I missed the bus. So I went upstairs to ask my mom what happened to my sisters, and she said that Abbey was in bed and Ashley made the bus. So I said, "Well, I guess I missed it then, since I'm still here." And she got mad and said that she'll take me later. Turns out "later" was non-existent. So I ended up doing chores all day and listening to my music.

Now it's raining and thundering out, and I have a shaking German Shepard under my feet. Blitz doesn't like storms at all. The one thing I want to do more than anything in the world right now is to go outside and run, jump, dance, anything, in the rain. I have this urge and it's killing me to sit here and watch the rain fall down. I wonder what my mom would do if she came home from the doctors office with Abbey, to find me dancing around the yard in the pouring down rain.

I don't normally get these kind of urges, honestly. Maybe it has to do with me being all ready to go to school this morning, only to, well, not.

My day is actually going by really, really slowly. It's only 1pm, and it feels like it should be 5pm.

So I guess I'll get back to that song I was talking about in the first paragraph. Remember that song, Collide by Howie Day? (Go ahead, get your laughs out before I continue.)


Well, I was vacuuming the living room (Yes, it is crucial for you to know what I was doing and where I was at that exact moment!) and this song came and I naturally started singing along because I know all the words. Then, somewhere around two minutes in (it's a four minute and nine second song FYI), I stopped singing, and stood there, replaying the words I just sang in my head. Then I started the song over and actually listened to the words. It was as if I was listening to a totally new song that I've never heard before. But only a couple verses now that I think about it.

I'm actually (for lack of a better word) "afraid" to talk about who and what I was thinking about during my listening to this song. But, if you know me well enough, and you listen to or read the words, then I'm sure you'll understand exactly what I'm talking about. It's just that I don't want to seem overly eager or anything. Maybe I'm thinking about it too much, or wanting something to happen too much. I don't know, I've been doing a really good job (if I do say so myself) of being patient and letting whatever is going to happen, happen and try not to expect anything to actually happen. (See? I'm reading too much into it already!) I guess I'm approaching this situation expecting the "worst" to happen. If things turn out that way, then you're not so upset because it's what you're expecting. But if things turn out better than expected, then you're very, pleasantly surprised.

Wow, I definitely rambled on there. I didn't even talk much about the song!

I guess what I was trying to say, is that I never really listened to the song until today. And then I realized how "I can relate to it". blahblahblahh. (What a powerful ending!)

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Well, since my mom refuses to take me to school anytime soon, I'll just use my time wisely. Seeing as I just missed first period, and am currently missing an AP french class, which you can't hand in your homework the next day so I guess I'm screwed for that. I'm probably not going to make it for third period, which is fine by me because I don't like government, and we're not doing anything exciting or important. I'll probably end up going in for the the one and only class I don't have to do work in, lunch. Just in time to go to gym after!

Okay, now for the "blog" part of my "blog". (I started this on the fifth.)

The school year has finally started, three days into it, and my schedule is pretty busy. (Sorry, this is about to sound repetitive.) Each class I have is a class that can give you homework as well as classwork (or just talking about ghosts and spiritual healing all period during English). Well, all except lunch, which I get to share with my best friend and a couple other friends (I can't see why that'd be great or anything =P ).

I guess I could inform you "frequent readers" (haha) that I have another blog in progress. It's not like my normal posts though, it's a theory that I have/have had for a long time now. I've talked about it with some friends already, but I decided to add it to my little public online journal I have going on here. So there, now you know what kind of post to be expecting within the next couple ones (since I post "yearly" I guess you should be expecting it in a few years from now).

I guess I'll also tell you that I'm sitting here in gym (Which I have only one friend in!) while I write this, using my five subject notebook and a blue Hofstra pen. I thought you'd be content with knowing, even though my settings are likely to change throughout the post. Also, (just because I have a need for "fluff" all of the sudden?) I wrote the word "Hofstra" really boldly while zoning out for a couple seconds.

Okay, enough of the dumb stuff. I'll talk about cross country! (Oh wait...)

All summer, I've been running and have had no problems whatsoever. Now, I'm in the beginning of the cross country season and everything is starting to go wrong. With my feet that is. I've managed to get a huge blister on the arch of my left foot. This is the first time in my life I've ever gotten a big blister and I'm beside myself with what to do with it.

Another this with my feet (If you'd like to skip the "foot" part of this post, then you can skip down to the "***"s and continue reading from there. See how nice I am?), that occurred to me yesterday and brought me to tears, was my three middle toes on both feet cramping together causing the rest of my foot to feel like it's pulling forward towards my toes. Not a pleasant experience in the least bit. This has happened a couple times in the last year, but never to the extreme as yesterday. I'm not even sure if the tears were from the pain, or out of anger because I know I can go so much faster for longer, and do so much better. But no, they slowed me down and after I finished, I could barely walk.

There's also one more major thing with my feet, but I really don't want to get into it because I'm still really disappointed about them and I hate talking about my feet. So I'm going to skip that part.

******************
Yes, I've considered going to a podiatrist's, but my parents can't seem to get a hold of the foot him. So I'm "not running" at practice until we get to the foot doctor. (The quotes are because I've made the decision to run during practice when my parents told me not to. I know it's probably a bad idea, but I don't want to stop running.)

On a completely different note, it's really hard to write in script on a moving bus, let me tell ya.

Another little tid-bit of information I'd like to inform you about is that I'm starting another novel (I ran out of inspiration for the last one) and I'm really excited. (Hi Lisa's house! Hi Beth's house!) I'm thinking about putting an excerpt in here. Maybe, I don't know yet. (Why aren't buses more comfortable?) If only you could see this excuse for handwriting.

So I'm sitting here, on the bus (And we just passed by a certain Dork's house!) and Jack Johnson's song "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" came on my iPod. It's not really a "happy" song, and I can't really relate to the song as a whole at all. But there are a few lines of lyrics that make me think and I realize I can relate to them.

For example, the first three lines:

Now I was sitting waiting wishing

That you believed in superstitions

Then maybe you'd see the signs

These relate, in a way, to one situation I'm facing myself with. Where I'm just sitting, waiting and wishing for something to happen, I guess.
And now for these lines:

But it's not my scene

Wont this plot not twist?

I've had enough mystery,

Keep building it up, then shooting me down

But I'm already down...

These lines actually have to do with all of the stuff I'm dealing with at home. But because of school, things have been sufficiently better, I am happy to say. (Maybe all of those wishes at 11:11 have finally paid off!?)

I'm still super curious to know what I'll be doing and how things will turn out in a year from now. It's so hard to not think about it. Sometimes, I wish I could just fast forward, for a few moments, just to see and know what to expect in certain situations. But I guess that's kinda of like reading the last chapter in a really good book, huh? I guess I'll just be sitting here, waiting for what the future has to bring me, and wishing for the best!

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I started writing this on the 24th of August, and ended it on the 1st of September. I'm not lazy, just keeping myself busy.

For the last couple days, I've been, yep you guessed it, doing chores. Yesterday, I went on a cleaning frenzy, made friends with the vacuum (His name is Val.) for about an hour and a half. And I was doing it voluntarily, as well as all of the other chores I did. And as much as I tried, I couldn't help but tell my parents every detail when they got home that night.


Cross country started Monday, and I went to Hofstra University to get a tour of the campus. It's a beautiful place, but I don't really have anything to compare it to yet. So we'll see after a couple more college visits.

So, speaking of cross country, I wasn't able to on Tuesday, or today, because I didn't get my sports physical. But, as everyone knows already, I've been training for a half marathon on September 27th (which is my little sisters birthday). So, I've been running all summer. And now that cross country has started, even more people will know that I've been running. A couple people seem to be expecting (and talking about) me to do really well, and actually "help the girls cross country team to victory". First of all, I really, really don't like competing with running. I'm doing this because, yeah, I like running, and because of the marathon, and because I'm done (personally) with soccer. Second of all, I don't like the fact that some people are expecting me to do well and, as long as they keep talking about it, more and more people are going to expect this of me and maybe even depend on me. I, honestly, have no idea how I'm going to do with this sport. I'm going to try really hard, like, give it my all, but I don't want people expecting me to be a top runner when I don't even know how I'm going to do.

I talked to my friend about this, but it's still in the back of my head that they're talking about it. Two people have already asked me if I'm going to be "the cross country hero". I know this is silly to let it bug me, but I can't help it. I guess I'm really afraid of letting anybody down. And no, I'm not worried only about that, and yes, I know I should only care about myself and let them say and think whatever the want, but it's still there and I can only let so much roll off my shoulders. They're getting tired of the constant "shrugging it off". (Go ahead, laugh a little, or at least smile and shake your head.)

In other news, I've been really happy recently. Partly because of someone, and partly because of no reason at all. Maybe it's because I've gotten some normal sleep recently. (With the exception of last night on my sewing frenzy.)

Yes, sewing. (I have more tricks up my sleeves than you expected?) I actually just finished a skirt. I've explained it so many times to different people. All I'll say is, it's a simple looking, knee length, white dress with a pink flower patter all over. And as soon as I find (or make) a top that goes with it, I'll war it to school.

And speaking of my sisters (ha ha), they're back from Georgia finally (with exactly one week of summer left). It's weird having them home now, especially with Ashley (the fourteen year old) staying up later than I normally do (hard to believe, I know). I forgot what it's like listening to her move around, right above my ceiling every night. And I'm not used to having Abigail with me to go places such as the grocery store. I guess I better get back into the routine now, huh?

As I mentioned before, school starts in a week. I'm excited, as I'm sure I've said several times in my blog already. I just can't wait to get out of this house and away from all of the cleaning I'm forced to do on a daily basis. Every time I'd ask to go somewhere or have someone over, they'd say, "Sure, just vacuum, clean your bathroom, empty the dishwasher, clean the ferrets cage, feed the cats, clean their litter boxes and while you're down there, do a load of laundry, before you go out."

I really hate complaining a lot but the stuff that is on my mind right now is stuff that I want to complain about.
My dad.
As soon as I woke up this morning, he started picking mini fights with me. Around 9am he burst in my room saying, "I could of sworn that I told you, last night, to get up as a decent hour. So what time was your alarm set for?" (It was set for 10am if you really want to know.) After a half hour, my dad walked in my room again and gave me a nice and long list of chores to do by 12:30, on top of me showering and eating. Then, with a half an hour left, I asked him if I could shower now and vacuum later, when we get back. He said, "I honestly don't care what you do, as long as you're ready to leave at 12:30." So, I said to him, "Well I was just making sure because you told me to vacuum also." And he went off on how I never get anything done around the house.
No comment.

I guess I'll get one more example off my chest while I have you here. While we were waiting for the doctor to come in and give my sister and I shots, my dad motioned to his book that was between my sister and me on the counter thing. He asked if I could hand it to him and Abbey reached for it and gave it to him. He said "thank you" while giving me a sarcastic look. So I decided to argue? I told him that I was going to give it to him but she reached for it first. His response was, "Relax, I'm just giving you grief." So I snapped back, "I know, you have been all day." And he said, getting the last word in as always, "Well you deserve it." I wanted more than anything to scream to him, "What exactly did I do to deserve getting grief from you? What have I done lately? Oh, I know, I cleaned, every single day, and you're never, ever, happy with the work I do. You're just being childish and insecure because you haveto have someone to boss around. And you know that I don't like to talk back to adults because I was taught that they know more than I do and that talking back is disrespectful. But you know what? Adults should set examples, and you are defiantly NOT being respectful to me, and you're not setting a very good example if I do say so myself." But of course, I saved it for my blog instead.

Alright, enough about my dad. And this blog has taken me seven days to write and a couple people are getting restless for me to post my next one. (Sorry for the wait!)

OH! And since I'm finishing this blog on September 1st (I already wished four people "Happy September!"), I get to say that school starts in two days (not counting today)! I just can't wait for the end of September because it seems like that's when your school year has begun, and everything starts moving and everybody is settled in to their own school year. That kind of reminds me of the song by Green Day, Wake Me Up When September Ends. But it's about something totally different than wanting the school year to start.

Okay, there is really no more purpose to this blog, so I think I'm just going to end it with saying, Happy Labor Day and Happy September!

Smile Like You Mean It!

I wrote this on the 16th and only just now felt like putting it up. *Smiles*

Have you ever been lost in thought, thinking about someone who gives you butterflies, and then have somebody interrupt your thoughts with the question, "What cha smilin' about?" Then this question only makes you smile even more? And you can't seem to answer them with the truth so you just smile broadly and say "Oh, nothing..."

After a long time of empty, nothingness (not necessarily bad feelings, just nothing to make you smile), a feeling like that is really refreshing. It's "like a splash of water to my face.." (as Kate Voegele said in her song, Only Fooling Myself). And what's really refreshing is that it's summer and nothing is pressured to happen. You don't have friends who are always trying to "help" and you don't have to see a bunch of people who are always guessing who that someone is that you're thinking about, everyday.

Something else that goes along with this wonderful feeling, is that you constantly relate to songs that make you happy. (I tried so many different ways, trying to explain the song part and I'm still not pleased with that first sentece.) You can easily relate to lyrics like, "You look like you’ve been up all night, And yet somehow still look beautiful, You do it all at the same time, Whenever you walk by, You always look me in the eyes, And in that moment I know the same thing’s on your mind..." or even, "Well maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee, And never ever watch the ten o'clock news, Maybe you should kiss someone nice, Or lick a rock, Or both..." just because of who suggested the song, and what you were thinking about at the time your first heard those lyrics.

Another thing that's funny about different songs is the way you relate them to that person. Even if the song has nothing to do with your feelings, or even if you have no idea what the song is about because you don't really know the words. I guess I'll give an example? (But I guess I don't want to give too much away.) This song, that makes me giggle uncontrollably, is about (I'm guessing, the lyrics are kind of odd.) arguing with a kin and there's hatred and unforgiveness (apparently that's not a word to this spell check...) between them (almost). But every time Regina Spektor gets to the chorus of the song, I start laughing and thinking about the moment we shared with this song. I'm sure you know kind of know what I mean.

Before, I would just smile. Today, I smile broadly and can't stop.

Save some face, you know you've only got one
Change your ways while you're young
Boy, one day you'll be a man
Oh girl, he'll help you understand
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Annotate For Fun!

I annotated this song on a lyrics website, just for fun. And then I realized, what great material it could be for my blog! Enjoy!
(P.S. The song is playing on the little music player!)

Music Box by Regina Spektor

Life inside the music box ain't easy

The mallets hit

The gears are always turning

And everyone inside the mechanism

Is yearning to get out

And sing another melody completely

So different from the one they're always singing

I close my eyes and think that I have found me

But then I feel mortality surround me

I want to sing another melody

So different from the one I always sing

But when I do the dishes

I run the water very very very hot

And then I fill the sink to the top with bubbles of soap

And then I set all the bottle caps I own afloat

And it's the greatest voyage in the history of plastic

And then I slip my hands in and start to make waves

And then I dip my tongue in and take a taste

It tastes like soap but it doesn't really taste like soap

And then I lower in my whole mouth and take a gulp

And start to feel mortality surround me

I close my eyes and think that I have found me

But life inside the music box ain't easy

The mallets hit

The gears are always turning

And every one inside the mechanism
Is yearning to get out

And sing another melody completely

Is yearning to get out

Is yearning to get out

Is yearning to get out

**************************************************************

In the beginning, when she says
"Life inside the music box ain't easy
The mallets hit
The gears are always turning"
I think she's telling the listener that: Life as a musician isn't easy, my brain is always thinking of new things to come up with, "The gears are always turning".
Then, when she says the lines,
"And everyone inside the mechanism
Is yearning to get out
And sing another melody completely
So different from the one they're always singing"
She's explaining that, Everyone inside this mechanism is yearning to get out, or all the musicians are trying to get they're voices heard.
She says, "and sing another melody completely so different from the one they're always singing" meaning that they're trying to come up with new ideas or new styles, different form everyone else and all of the things we're used to hearing.
Then, when she starts singing about the dishes, she's singing about, well, the dishes. Who else sings about doing the dishes? Exactly! "So different from the one they're always singing…"

Life Goes On

You know those mornings when you wake up, and you just lay there, and then you think to yourself, "Today is going to be a good day." Like you can feel it. Then, for the rest of the day, your spirits are up and you don't think about anything that has been bothering you for the past few days. You know what I'm talking about? I'm sure you do.

Well, today was one of those days for me. (This was written on the 20th.) Yes, it's true that I'm still grounded, and yes, I've had to do all these chores that I did yesterday. But all in all, I was really happy today. I was myself. No one was home, so I blasted my music. It was beautiful out, so I turned off the AC and opened all the windows. I did some chores, then I stopped for an hour for breakfast, ate and played around with my camera some (nice sun = great for macro flower shots!) then I did a couple more chores. I had an "epic" adventure while cleaning out the ferret cage, at lunch, and chatted with a couple friends off and on throughout the afternoon. (I even got to take an hour nap while my dad napped after work, surprise surprise.)

After these three terrible days I had, all I've wanted to do was to just be alone and think. That's why today such a great day for me. I was by myself for pretty much the entire day.

I was even in the mood to go for a really long run. And little did I know, how much energy I actually had. So, as soon as I ran up and down the block once, stretched, retrieved a dog from the house, set the little GPS thingy on my wrist, and took one last swig of water, I set off. And I ran. I ran for a while. And I wasn't stopping. I guess when I'm upset, or really thinking about things, running really helps me.

According to my little schedule for training for training for the half marathon at the end of September, I was supposed to run four miles today, four yesterday, and three on Monday. But I didn't run yesterday or the day before, so I guess I made up for it this evening!

As I was running, I became lost in thought, as if in a trance. I thought about my parents and how they're going to react when I tell them about visiting Hofstra with Nana. I thought about college and how I really don't want to live at home if I were to go to a "local" school. Then I thought about where my friends might be going or where they'd like to go and how I might not be as far away from some of them as I had originally assumed. I also thought about a certain someone and how things are going, and might turn out. Because every time I get my hopes up, nothing happens. And I'm wondering if this time, it'll be worth all of the wait. So far it seems pretty hopeful. So I guess we'll see? I'm really hoping things turn out better than they have in the past though.

As I'm in the homestretch of my run, with less than a mile left, someone broke my concentration by honking at me. It was one of those "beep beep" honks, or like a "Hey! I know you so I'm going to say 'Hi' by honking!" honks. So, to whoever that was, Hello.

After my run, I got home and my delicious dinner was just ready for me. My parents were actually in a really happy mood, so I ate in the living room with them. And we watched the Olympics, Project Runway, and Shear Genius (yea guys, I actually watched T.V.) together. Well, my dad wasn't really watching the last two, but we like to say he did.

So now I'm sitting on my bed, with my music softly playing on my computer. And I just paused because I was thinking about that "someone" I mentioned before, and sure enough, as I look at my computer screen, my AIM does a pop up because somebody signed on, and sure enough, it was him. This is something weird I noticed, it seems like every time I'm thinking about him, I either run into him, or he comes online, or I go online and he's there. Maybe I'm a psychic! (haha)

I really can't wait to go back to school. (This next part is directed at someone, who just confirmed today that he doesn't read my blog.) No matter home many times I'm told that I'm "behind schedule". You know what? Who cares? You shouldn't worry about me and what I'm doing as far as college goes. (I always pull through at my own pace anyway.) Just because I'm not out there, going to colleges all of the states, and just because colleges aren't mailing me letter telling me how much they want me for my awesome lacrosse skills, doesn't mean I'm "behind schedule" and it doesn't mean that I'm "not going to get anywhere" or be "totally stressed out for my senior year of high school". I'm taking this year with ease. Whatever happens, happens.

And if I do mess up (with anything in my life, that is), oh well, life goes on (as said in LeAnn Rimes song, Life Goes On).

It's Almost Over...

I think I've put this off long enough. I really need to tell somebody about what I'm feeling and how I haven't been handling it like I should. I've been trying to handle my emotions "gracefully" and not letting them show.

For the past few days, I haven't been happy at all. I haven't been myself whatsoever. I haven't seen any of my friends. I haven't had a good laugh in a while. I haven't shared a funny or happy thought with my parents. Actually, I haven't had a normal conversation with them for that matter.

I'll go back to the beginning of this "not-like-myself" spell to two days ago, when it started.

Sunday morning, I got up at a decent hour to do a couple chores before the cable guy showed up at eleven. My dad was at work and my mom still can't do a whole lot, so I had to do most of the work. So I got out of bed, tidied up around the house, outside and in, and then hung around while the cable guy did his thing. After he left, my mom told me to put on my shoes and get ready to go out with her. We went to Super Cuts so she could get her hair trimmed. While sitting there, waiting for the lady to finish her hair, I realized how much of a headache I had. After she was done, we went to the grocery store and got some things for dinner. During the whole time spent in the store, every step I took sent a pulsing pain straight up to my head.

At home, my mom asked me to vacuum after I helped her with the groceries and emptying the dishwasher. So once I got all of that done, I asked her if she needed any more help. She told me "No, I'm good, just preparing dinner, that's all." So I went and read for a little bit. While reading, I fell asleep. A little over an hour later, I was woken up by my dad standing in my doorway, yelling at me, "Are you sick?! No?? Then why, tell me, why are you sleeping at seven in the evening, when your mother is in the kitchen, cooking your dinner?" And before I could tell him why, he continued, "You know what? Since you're so god damned lazy, all fricken summer, you're going to get up every morning, until school starts, at 8:30 to do chores around here. And you can forget about going anywhere with your friends and driving anywhere for a while. Your dinner is ready, and I suggest you go get it before it gets thrown out." Then he left, slamming my door behind him.

A popular question I had received from my friends when I told them about this was, "Did your mom tell him that she said she didn't need your help?" And I didn't have an answer until now, and that answer is, nope! She was just as pissed off about it as my dad was.

So the next morning, Monday, I woke up at 8:30 and got to work. Around 12:00, my grandmother showed up and both her and my mom went to the beach. They got back around 6:00 and by then, I pretty much cleaned the whole house. My grandmother didn't stay long and my mom laid down on the couch. She hadn't said more than two sentences to me that day until about 8:00 she asked me if I had eaten dinner yet. I told her, "No." and her response was a shrug and her saying, "Well I guess you better find something to eat." So I went into the kitchen and got something to heat up. I asked her if I should just put it in the microwave or add something to it first (since she's really good with cooking and all) and she snapped, "I don't know." And that was that, the end of the conversation.

After I ate, I decided to get lost in thought while listening to music (Kate Voegele!) and painting. Then, around 12 midnight, my dad walked in and told me, "Don't forget to get up early tomorrow. You know what you have to get done, so I suggest you do it." I didn't exactly know what I had to get done, but I was guessing that it was just the basics.

This morning, I slept in an hour late, so it was 9:30 and my mom bursts into my room, "You've got to be kidding me! And to think I almost left for work and you would've been sleeping the entire time!" Then after a few minutes of me waking up and brushing my teeth she came up to me and said, "Here's a hint, I'll start you off with the first thing you have to do, vacuum this level and mop the kitchen." Then she disappeared for a few hours. So I cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed and mopped, then tidied up the bar and the coffee table, lit some candles, and went to straighten up my room.

Eventually, I killed enough time and my dad walks in my room and tells me "Dinner is ready." But the way he says it is like he's still really pissed off at me. So I go into the kitchen and get my food and my mom starts talking about me to my dad. But it's obviously loud enough so she knows I can hear her. She says, "What are we going to do with her? She's unbelievably lazy and she thinks she can get away with it. She refuses to look for a job. She doesn't do anything around here, ever. How are we going to drill it into her head?" (Those of you who are close to me, you'll know that I have been looking and applying for jobs for a while now.) I thought about arguing, but didn't see the point because it never, ever helps me. So I just took my meal into my room, fighting back tears the whole way. Once I shut my door, I tried to eat, but I just didn't feel up to it. So I sat there, with my back to my bed, and cried. i got it all out of my system. Then I crawled into my bed and thought.

It really seems like my parents are very disappointed with me. I don't know what to do to fix it. I've been looking for jobs, and when I'd tell them about the places I've applied to, my dad would tell me to not even bother anymore because school is starting soon. And now this, they're mad because I haven't gotten a job yet?

And then I'll spend all day doing chores, literally, all day. And they're never happy with it. It's never enough. And, as a side note, I haven't gotten an allowance in years, I'm not exaggerating either. The only money I've received has been from babysitting and from my grandmother (even though I try to refuse it from her because my parents will tell me that I don't deserve it.)

I guess the only thing that I'm actually, really upset about is how much my parents show that they disapprove of me. Whether it's from hearing them talk about it, or it's receiving a glare from across the room when I walk by, in front of my mom.

I really do try very hard to make them proud of me. But everything I try never works. i don't know what else I can do that I haven't already tried. I don't even show them when I'm upset because they tell me that I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

This is getting to the point where I'm just so confused and unhappy with my life. I hate the feeling I get when I wake up every morning, knowing that when I walk in to get breakfast, I won't hear a "good morning." from my mom or a "How'd you sleep, kiddo?" from my dad. I'll just see a list of things to do on the bar, or I'll get a call from my dad at work, just so he can make sure I'm awake and starting to do chores. I hate the panicky feeling I get when I look at the clock and realize how little time I have until my parents get home, and how much work I have left to do before then.

All I really want to know is what I have to do to make this all stop. I can't even drive anywhere to get an application at a place where they suggest right now because I'm not allowed to go out because I haven't been looking for a job (confused?).

I also realized today, how much I can't wait for school to start. I looked at my calender and counted the days. Two weeks from tomorrow. Then I'll be able to be gone, out of this house for close to ten hours, five days a week. But I know, that these fourteen days until then, are going to last for an eternity. I just need to cling onto the tiny happy moments I have until then.

I'm Home, Finally

Well, I'm sitting here (dying in the heat) in the car at a rest stop, waiting for Nana to finish walking Joey. We're, um, somewhere between North Carolina and New York. I'm actually about to drive in a minute. Actually, now. (And I just found out that we're in Baltimore.)

well, I'm done driving for the night because Nana is worried about me and here's the reason why:

We just got a call from my dad saying that my mom is in the hospital because she has a blood clot behind one of her knees. She was in a lot of pain for the past couple of days and she hasn't really been able to walk on it. She's has blood clots before that almost cost her and my little sister's (Abbey) life when she was pregnant with Abbey. It's scary to think about, because the chances of her surviving the pregnancy were extremely slim, and the chances of Abbey surviving were even slimmer. So, after Nana told me (after her conversation with dad), I was driving for another half hour, the whole time fighting back tears. I mean, they definitely caught it early, but it's still very frightening to think about.

You know how they say New Jersey is really polluted and all that jazz? Well, (this may or may not be related) I just noticed something about the clouds. The ones closer to the ground are really, really dark (I know they aren't dark due to weather because the clouds are separated and aren't piling up on each other like they do in storms -thank you 5th grade science project-) compared to the other clouds higher up in the atmosphere. It's like comparing the whiteness of a package of brand new, white socks to a pair of socks that are a few years old and are stained from the darker laundry while going through the wash. (I'm not a white sock expert, seeing as all of my socks are all sorts of colors, none of them are white.) Anyway, I'm curious to find out if the color of the clouds depends on the amount of pollution in the air. I mean, it's possible that the sun is in just the right spot to be causing a shadow on the clouds closer to the earth so they appear darker. And I know that a cloud could be over a state for only a couple hours, depending on the winds. "Then why did you just write a whole paragraph on it, Alex? You dunce!" (I know that's what you're thinking, go ahead and admit it!)

Well, I'm kind of in the mood to just listen to music and let it cheer me up, tell me "It's okay." and keep my mind lost for a few hours. (About one and a half hours and I'll be home!)

Who Says You Can't Go Home?

I'm sitting here in a little coffee shop (still in North Carolina) and while I was watching a little girl in a bright lime green shirt walk around, talking with her dad, I couldn't help but smile. It made me realize that even the simplest things can make a little girl happy. Even if it's as simple as walking around a coffee shop, pointing to things for her father to explain what they are. Today, she learned what a stool is. She pointed and asked, "What's that?" and her dad told her that it's a stool and then she asked, "What does it do?" He picked her up and sat her on the stool and scooted it towards the table, then stood behind her as she smiled with glee at the new thing she just discovered. I couldn't help but laugh a little as I watched the two of them.

Another thing, for you frequent readers (all three of you), is that I'm feeling so much better now. Jess called me yesterday while I was at the market, helping my Aunt and Uncle sell their dresses from India while they were in their outside booth. So I was talking to her until my phone beeped that it had a low battery (well, Eric - my cousin - was talking to her at the time) and then I called her on his phone. At the time, I decided to take a break and walk around the market place while talking to Jessica.

I was very pleased to talk with my best friend for a while that day, because the picky customers weren't making me feel happier, that's for sure. I'm really thankful for her cheering me up. (Thank you Jessie!)

Well, I guess I'll stop the painful and agonizing suspense about when I'm coming home. Which I'm looking forward to and all, but the driving all the way, all day, part doesn't sound so appealing now that I'm thinking about it. Okay, okay, I'll stop prolonging the topic. (Out with it, Alex!) I'm coming home, *drum roll*, tomorrow! *Sound of applause.* Yes, I'm very excited, and no, I can't wait (same thing I guess, huh?)

So, I got a couple more things for my friends today (not telling!). You thought I' just go ahead and say it on here, didn't you? I'm more clever than you think. (And witty!)

The moon looks really neat tonight (nice transition, huh?). It's just a sliver of moon, but it's so perfect and simple (there's that word again). If you're anywhere near me, and around the same time of me writing this, go look! (Please.) You probably won't get excited enough to blog about it (because everyone has a blog, ya know) like I am, but hey, it's something to think about. I mean, it's so far away from us. And it's just this huge round rock in the middle of, well, nothing, just orbiting around another rock that contains life and is orbiting around a huge ball of fire. I mean, we think a six foot person is tall, but really, they're just as small as the short people when it comes to everything outside of our atmosphere. I don't know, I don't normally think about this, but the whole moon thing got me going.

Since the last couple blogs have been insanely long, I'll leave this one shorter.

Hmm, This Could Turn Out Interesting

This song, is stuck in my head.


Life, it can twist your heart
Put you in the dark
I was cold and lonely

Doubt, it can close you in
Build the walls within
I let fear control me

And that girl didn't know
Where the answer would be

Right in front of you
Right in front of me
We were looking for it somehow
Somewhere we couldnt see

But the love was always there
Its been around us everywhere
I had to fall to finally see
That you were right in front of me

Faith, it can lift you up
And if you got enough
To reach a new beginning

Love, can withstand strong
In the final hour
Well find the joy in living

Don't let go
Cause that I know
Pretty soon you will see

Right in front of you
Right in front of me
We were looking for it somehow
Somewhere we couldnt see

But the love was always there
Its been around us everywhere
I had to fall to finally see
That you were right in front of me

You are my tomorrow
There's safety in your arms

Where you'll go I'll follow
Cause you're the world where I belong

Right in front of you
In front of me
Somehow we couldnt see

Right in front of you
I had to fall to finally see

Right in front of you
Right in front of me
We were looking for it somehow
Somewhere we couldnt see

But the love was always there
Surrounding us everywhere
I had to fall to finally see

Right in front of you
Right in front of me
We were looking for it somehow
Somewhere we couldnt see

But the love was always there
Surrounding us everywhere
I had to fall to finally see
That you were right in front of me

I finally see... yeah
I had to fall to finally see
That you were right in front of me

Pull Yourself Together, Dammit!

My friend gave me this song to listen to, after a long, boring, miserable (on my part) night into the morning. It's now 3:52am and I'm sitting here, upset.

I'm not exactly sure what's wrong, so maybe I'll pull it out of this blog.

So the song my friend sent to me was Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin. As I'm sitting here, just watching the animated video of one stick figure trying to make the other happy, I burst into tears. I didn't want to tell my friend because I've already been so much of a "Debby Downer" tonight, and I know he reads my blog so I know he'll find out soon.

I don't understand why I'm so sad. I know I'm bored, but I've been a lot more bored before, for an extended amount of time, and I haven't cried about it.

A few things have been going on that could possibly just be all piling on top of each other, and I've been bottling up my emotions about them. Until now, when my body just wants to let it out, so I can go back to my normal, happy self. I mean, I saw one of those things happening for a while, and then other "thing" I should be anything but sad about. I mean, things could actually be going great in the future for that matter (about that "thing). (None of that will make sense unless you're a few select people who, sorry.)

And I don't think I've been too terribly bored. I mean, I bought three new shirts for Pete's sake. And I've been hanging out with my family, and no one has been angry or upset, besides Nana who's sick. Everything around me has been positive, and yet, I'm sitting here, with tears in my eyes, blogging about it.

Maybe a nights rest will help me come to a conclusion? I don't know. I guess I feel a little bit better. And I know one thing is for sure, I'm not going to listen to that song until I know I'm completely, 100% "happy" again. Then I'll see how I react a second time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3S-T0c6dYLc