The Devil In Me

• Pick 10 people, 5 female and 5 male.
• Now, think of something you'd like to tell them, ask them, show them, etc. 
• Don't address it to them and don't put the "letters" in any particular order. 
• Also, no one is allowed to ask you who's who!

[I'm gong to add these one day at a time to link the songs with the entries together.(Also to think about what I'm going to write to each person!)]

Person #5:

You don't even have the slightest idea as to how you make me feel (even though the title and song should give that away).

Especially recently.  I've come to realize that I let myself have too much patience with you.  I've given you too many "chances", I let you talk to me, I let you in, I'm too nice too you.  Some people question if it's because I still "like" you or have feelings for you.  The answer is no.  There is no way I could possibly feel that way towards you right now.  You've tried to turn this around and make me look like the bad guy here.  I thought about it, I felt bad, then as you continued to hang around and wave and smile and talk to me, then ask why I hate you, I realized that I shouldn't feel bad at all.  We're both grown up (physically, that is) here.  No one should be blaming the other.  So stop.

Another thing that I've realized is how livid I get when I see you nowadays.  I can't even control it.  When I see you, I go rigid, my jaw tightens, and I even think I stop breathing sometimes.  Now, I do not, whatsoever, want to feel this way towards you, or anyone for that matter.  But I don't think about it when it happens.  I don't like it when it happens either because it's not me, it's not who I am.  It's a side of me that I don't like to see.

I guess the thing I want to ask, or rather tell you, is to stop talking to me, stop looking at me, stop thinking about me, stop waving to me and stop trying to get my attention.  I know all of that sounds harsh, but I hate being mad at someone, and I hate feeling the way I feel about you.

I don't have this problem with anyone else and I think it's probably because you're so persistent.

Maybe if you go back into your little shell that isolates you from people, like you tend to be very good at doing, and just hide for a little while.  Then maybe we can start over, as friends, come other time.  But as for now, and as far as I'm concerned, I don't want to talk to you because "you bring out the devil in me".  And I hate it.

"You've had your fun do you suppose I earned it?

Do you not see how I'm begging on me knees?

Don't speak, don't breath

You bring out the devil in me"

I'd Lie

• Pick 10 people, 5 female and 5 male.
• Now, think of something you'd like to tell them, ask them, show them, etc. 
• Don't address it to them and don't put the "letters" in any particular order. 
• Also, no one is allowed to ask you who's who!

[I'm gong to add these one day at a time to link the songs with the entries together.(Also to think about what I'm going to write to each person!)]

Person #4:

Not until recently, I realized that I've been listening to songs that remind me of you constantly (and not on purpose).

One thing that I notice is, whenever we talk or hangout, we get along almost perfectly.  I've always wanted to point this out to you, but sometimes I find myself rethinking what I want to say because I'm afraid of how you're react (not always though).  I know I shouldn't think this way, because you're you and you won't (at least I think you won't) judge me or not like me over something so little.

So, going back to the song thing I mentioned before, the song (that should be) playing is a perfect example.  I don't know where to begin with it because the whole song is perfect (with a few exceptions of course).  It make me think about you, a lot.  It also makes me want to be near you, just because.  It makes me want to tell you all about it, and show you how neat it is that a song can reflect someone so well.

Obviously the point of this little "project" that I have going on here is to tell you something that I either: am too shy to say out loud, haven't gotten the chance to say, or have been meaning to say and keep forgetting to.  Now, a few people can already guess who this letter is to (if not by the song itself, already).  But I guess that's okay because no one is supposed to ask!

So that thing I've been meaning to tell you (this seems sort of silly now, but oh well) is that I have a gift for you.  And I've had it for quite a few months now, but I haven't had the chance/the nerve to give it to you.  I'm not sure if/when I'll ever give it to you though.  But there, I said it and got it off my chest.

And here's the song for those of you interested in the lyrics:

I don't think that passenger seat

Has ever looked this good to me

He tells me about his night

And I count the colors in his eyes

He'll never fall in love

He swears, as he runs his fingers through his hair

I'm laughing 'cause I hope he's wrong

And I don't think it ever crossed his mind

He tells a joke, I fake a smile

But I know all his favorite songs

[Chorus]

And I could tell you

His favorite color's green

He likes to argue

Born on the seventeenth

His sister's beautiful

He has his father's eyes

And if you ask me if I love him... 

I'd lie

He looks around the room

Innocently overlooks the truth

Shouldn't a light go on

Doesn't he know

That I've had him memorized for so long

He sees everything in black and white

Never let nobody see him cry

I don't let nobody see me wishing he was mine

[Chorus]

He stands there, then walks away

My God, if I could only say

I'm holding every breath for you

He'd never tell you, 

But he can play guitar

I think he can see through

Everything but my heart

First thought when I wake up is

My God, he's beautiful

So I put on my make-up

And pray for a miracle

Yes I could tell you

[Chorus]

My Wish

• Pick 10 people, 5 female and 5 male.
• Now, think of something you'd like to tell them, ask them, show them, etc. 
• Don't address it to them and don't put the "letters" in any particular order. 
• Also, no one is allowed to ask you who's who!

[I'm gong to add these one day at a time to link the songs with the entries together.(Also to think about what I'm going to write to each person!)]

Person #3:

"I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow, 

And each road leads you where you wanna go, 

And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, 

I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed, 

I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window, 

If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.

But more than anything, more than anything... "

I've actually been meaning to send this song to you got the longest time.  Every time I hear it, you come to my mind.  I think this is because you have your whole life planned out already and you're perfectly content with it.  I envy you for that, and I"m happy that you know what you're doing and where you're going in your future.  And when I hear this song, I feel like I should have said this to you before you left for college.

"I hope you never look back, but you never forget, 

All the ones who love you, in the place you left, 

I hope you always forgive, and you never regret, 

And you help somebody every chance you get, 

Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake, 

And always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, more than anything... "

I know you're family is proud of you, and I can tell you that I, honestly, am very proud.  I know that we probably, most likely, won't lose touch after I graduate.  But I still fell like there was something left unsaid between us.  And I'm sure there was.  You never really opened up, and it was driving me insane that I didn't know what was on your mind.  But I guess song pretty much speaks for itself when it comes to what was left unsaid on my part.  My wish is for you to have an awesome college life, and a safe and happy adulthood, because you deserve it, just for being who you are.

You Learn

• Pick 10 people, 5 female and 5 male.
• Now, think of something you'd like to tell them, ask them, show them, etc. 
• Don't address it to them and don't put the "letters" in any particular order. 
• Also, no one is allowed to ask you who's who!

[I'm gong to add these one day at a time to link the songs with the entries together. (Also to think about what I'm going to write to each person!)]

Person #2:

You are one of the couple people that I am exceptionally glad I've met.  You've been such a great part of my life and hopefully you'll stick around for much, much more of it.  Just thinking about the odds of us meeting, and staying close, boggles my mind!

You are such an inspiring person and your personality is completely and utterly unique.  I have to admit that I sometimes find myself jealous of the way you carry yourself.  You have such simple traits, but all together you are your own, complex, human being that everyone should be thankful if they have you as a part of their life.

You're a perfect example of the way people should live their lives.  You're always excited to learn new things.  You're always willing to help someone else learn something that you already know.  You try your hardest to be the best you can.  You're a fighter of your own opinion and you don't back down when you're challenged.

One thing that I've learned from you is the ability to get by and be happy with life's tiniest, most insignificant things, whether they're said, done or seen.  Life is so full of these tiny events that make up your own life.  As life goes on, unstoppable like time itself, you learn.  Whether you want to or not, you learn.  And we all know, Alanis Morissette said it the best, "You live, you learn. You love, you learn. You cry, you learn. You lose, you learn. You bleed, you learn. You scream, you learn..."

True Colors

• Pick 10 people, 5 female and 5 male.
• Now, think of something you'd like to tell them, ask them, show them, etc. 
• Don't address it to them and don't put the "letters" in any particular order. 
• Also, no one is allowed to ask you who's who!

[I'm gong to add these one day at a time to link the songs with the entries together. (Also to think about what I'm going to write to each person!)]

Person #1:

Ever since I sat down one day, and listened to the song True Colors by Phil Collins (and/or Cyndi Lauper), I felt like I discovered a whole new feeling towards you.  I feel like I understand you a little bit more every time I hear the song.  It inspired me, almost, to be more patient with you, and to try to put myself in your shoes before I judge you, or respond to your actions.

I've learned to take in all of your subtle compliments and appreciate them wholly.  I've learned to feel flattered when you look up to me for advice.  I've learned that you really do have meanings to everything you do, and those actions shouldn't be questioned because you're human too.

You're one of the most talented and unique people I know, believe it or not, and you inspire me. You are proof that one can be content with themselves, and with living their life without depending on others.  You're not afraid to stand out, but you don't go looking to do so.

And despite what people say, or even what I say, you are a truly, unique person.  You don't go by stereotypes, no matter how much everyone wants to shove you into one particular one.  You just turn around, and prove that you don't fit into it, day after day.  And for this, I admire you. You and your true colors that are discovered newly every single day.

So, going back to the song, here's an excerpt -Heck, who am I kidding, the whole song fits you perfectly- so here's the whole song to read along with the music:

You with the sad eyes

Don't be discouraged

Though I realize

It's hard to take courage,

In a world full of people

You can lose sight of it

And the darkness, inside you

Makes you feel so small

But I see your true colours

Shining through

I see your true colours

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Just show your true colours,

True colours, ooh are beautiful like a rainbow.

Show me a smile,

Don't be unhappy, can't remember

When I last saw you laughing

If this world makes you crazy

And you've taken all you can bear,

Just call me up,

Cause you know I'll be there

And see your true colours

Shining through

I see your true colours

That's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colours,

True colours are beautiful,

Oh Like a rainbow

Such sad eyes,

Take courage now,

Realize

When this world makes you crazy

And you've taken all you can bear

Just call me up

Because you know I'll be there

And see your true colours

Shining through

I see your true colours

That's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Just show your true colours

True colours, true colours

Are shining through

I see your true colours

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid; just let them show

Your true colours, true colours

True colours are beautiful,

So beautiful, like a rainbow...

Collide

[This was written on the 9th of September by the way]

Have you ever listened to a song that you've known for so long, and have it feel like you're listening to it for the first time? Almost like it's a completely different song all together? Well, that happened to me just recently. As I was vacuuming, believe it or not.

But before I start on about that, let me tell you about my day so far. I woke up on time, showered and got ready for school. Because it was so quiet in my house, I lost track of time. Normally, my sisters are downstairs eating and my parents will be in the living room or just shot downstairs to make sure everyone is up and awake (this is only during the first part of the school year, then after a while, my parents won't even wake up). My youngest sister, Abbey, is sick, so she stayed in bed and my mom stayed in her room. Ashley stayed upstairs until the last possible moment, then she quietly snuck out to the bus. I didn't hear her go out, and I didn't hear anyone else, so I figured it was still early. But no, apparently I missed the bus. So I went upstairs to ask my mom what happened to my sisters, and she said that Abbey was in bed and Ashley made the bus. So I said, "Well, I guess I missed it then, since I'm still here." And she got mad and said that she'll take me later. Turns out "later" was non-existent. So I ended up doing chores all day and listening to my music.

Now it's raining and thundering out, and I have a shaking German Shepard under my feet. Blitz doesn't like storms at all. The one thing I want to do more than anything in the world right now is to go outside and run, jump, dance, anything, in the rain. I have this urge and it's killing me to sit here and watch the rain fall down. I wonder what my mom would do if she came home from the doctors office with Abbey, to find me dancing around the yard in the pouring down rain.

I don't normally get these kind of urges, honestly. Maybe it has to do with me being all ready to go to school this morning, only to, well, not.

My day is actually going by really, really slowly. It's only 1pm, and it feels like it should be 5pm.

So I guess I'll get back to that song I was talking about in the first paragraph. Remember that song, Collide by Howie Day? (Go ahead, get your laughs out before I continue.)


Well, I was vacuuming the living room (Yes, it is crucial for you to know what I was doing and where I was at that exact moment!) and this song came and I naturally started singing along because I know all the words. Then, somewhere around two minutes in (it's a four minute and nine second song FYI), I stopped singing, and stood there, replaying the words I just sang in my head. Then I started the song over and actually listened to the words. It was as if I was listening to a totally new song that I've never heard before. But only a couple verses now that I think about it.

I'm actually (for lack of a better word) "afraid" to talk about who and what I was thinking about during my listening to this song. But, if you know me well enough, and you listen to or read the words, then I'm sure you'll understand exactly what I'm talking about. It's just that I don't want to seem overly eager or anything. Maybe I'm thinking about it too much, or wanting something to happen too much. I don't know, I've been doing a really good job (if I do say so myself) of being patient and letting whatever is going to happen, happen and try not to expect anything to actually happen. (See? I'm reading too much into it already!) I guess I'm approaching this situation expecting the "worst" to happen. If things turn out that way, then you're not so upset because it's what you're expecting. But if things turn out better than expected, then you're very, pleasantly surprised.

Wow, I definitely rambled on there. I didn't even talk much about the song!

I guess what I was trying to say, is that I never really listened to the song until today. And then I realized how "I can relate to it". blahblahblahh. (What a powerful ending!)

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Well, since my mom refuses to take me to school anytime soon, I'll just use my time wisely. Seeing as I just missed first period, and am currently missing an AP french class, which you can't hand in your homework the next day so I guess I'm screwed for that. I'm probably not going to make it for third period, which is fine by me because I don't like government, and we're not doing anything exciting or important. I'll probably end up going in for the the one and only class I don't have to do work in, lunch. Just in time to go to gym after!

Okay, now for the "blog" part of my "blog". (I started this on the fifth.)

The school year has finally started, three days into it, and my schedule is pretty busy. (Sorry, this is about to sound repetitive.) Each class I have is a class that can give you homework as well as classwork (or just talking about ghosts and spiritual healing all period during English). Well, all except lunch, which I get to share with my best friend and a couple other friends (I can't see why that'd be great or anything =P ).

I guess I could inform you "frequent readers" (haha) that I have another blog in progress. It's not like my normal posts though, it's a theory that I have/have had for a long time now. I've talked about it with some friends already, but I decided to add it to my little public online journal I have going on here. So there, now you know what kind of post to be expecting within the next couple ones (since I post "yearly" I guess you should be expecting it in a few years from now).

I guess I'll also tell you that I'm sitting here in gym (Which I have only one friend in!) while I write this, using my five subject notebook and a blue Hofstra pen. I thought you'd be content with knowing, even though my settings are likely to change throughout the post. Also, (just because I have a need for "fluff" all of the sudden?) I wrote the word "Hofstra" really boldly while zoning out for a couple seconds.

Okay, enough of the dumb stuff. I'll talk about cross country! (Oh wait...)

All summer, I've been running and have had no problems whatsoever. Now, I'm in the beginning of the cross country season and everything is starting to go wrong. With my feet that is. I've managed to get a huge blister on the arch of my left foot. This is the first time in my life I've ever gotten a big blister and I'm beside myself with what to do with it.

Another this with my feet (If you'd like to skip the "foot" part of this post, then you can skip down to the "***"s and continue reading from there. See how nice I am?), that occurred to me yesterday and brought me to tears, was my three middle toes on both feet cramping together causing the rest of my foot to feel like it's pulling forward towards my toes. Not a pleasant experience in the least bit. This has happened a couple times in the last year, but never to the extreme as yesterday. I'm not even sure if the tears were from the pain, or out of anger because I know I can go so much faster for longer, and do so much better. But no, they slowed me down and after I finished, I could barely walk.

There's also one more major thing with my feet, but I really don't want to get into it because I'm still really disappointed about them and I hate talking about my feet. So I'm going to skip that part.

******************
Yes, I've considered going to a podiatrist's, but my parents can't seem to get a hold of the foot him. So I'm "not running" at practice until we get to the foot doctor. (The quotes are because I've made the decision to run during practice when my parents told me not to. I know it's probably a bad idea, but I don't want to stop running.)

On a completely different note, it's really hard to write in script on a moving bus, let me tell ya.

Another little tid-bit of information I'd like to inform you about is that I'm starting another novel (I ran out of inspiration for the last one) and I'm really excited. (Hi Lisa's house! Hi Beth's house!) I'm thinking about putting an excerpt in here. Maybe, I don't know yet. (Why aren't buses more comfortable?) If only you could see this excuse for handwriting.

So I'm sitting here, on the bus (And we just passed by a certain Dork's house!) and Jack Johnson's song "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" came on my iPod. It's not really a "happy" song, and I can't really relate to the song as a whole at all. But there are a few lines of lyrics that make me think and I realize I can relate to them.

For example, the first three lines:

Now I was sitting waiting wishing

That you believed in superstitions

Then maybe you'd see the signs

These relate, in a way, to one situation I'm facing myself with. Where I'm just sitting, waiting and wishing for something to happen, I guess.
And now for these lines:

But it's not my scene

Wont this plot not twist?

I've had enough mystery,

Keep building it up, then shooting me down

But I'm already down...

These lines actually have to do with all of the stuff I'm dealing with at home. But because of school, things have been sufficiently better, I am happy to say. (Maybe all of those wishes at 11:11 have finally paid off!?)

I'm still super curious to know what I'll be doing and how things will turn out in a year from now. It's so hard to not think about it. Sometimes, I wish I could just fast forward, for a few moments, just to see and know what to expect in certain situations. But I guess that's kinda of like reading the last chapter in a really good book, huh? I guess I'll just be sitting here, waiting for what the future has to bring me, and wishing for the best!

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I started writing this on the 24th of August, and ended it on the 1st of September. I'm not lazy, just keeping myself busy.

For the last couple days, I've been, yep you guessed it, doing chores. Yesterday, I went on a cleaning frenzy, made friends with the vacuum (His name is Val.) for about an hour and a half. And I was doing it voluntarily, as well as all of the other chores I did. And as much as I tried, I couldn't help but tell my parents every detail when they got home that night.


Cross country started Monday, and I went to Hofstra University to get a tour of the campus. It's a beautiful place, but I don't really have anything to compare it to yet. So we'll see after a couple more college visits.

So, speaking of cross country, I wasn't able to on Tuesday, or today, because I didn't get my sports physical. But, as everyone knows already, I've been training for a half marathon on September 27th (which is my little sisters birthday). So, I've been running all summer. And now that cross country has started, even more people will know that I've been running. A couple people seem to be expecting (and talking about) me to do really well, and actually "help the girls cross country team to victory". First of all, I really, really don't like competing with running. I'm doing this because, yeah, I like running, and because of the marathon, and because I'm done (personally) with soccer. Second of all, I don't like the fact that some people are expecting me to do well and, as long as they keep talking about it, more and more people are going to expect this of me and maybe even depend on me. I, honestly, have no idea how I'm going to do with this sport. I'm going to try really hard, like, give it my all, but I don't want people expecting me to be a top runner when I don't even know how I'm going to do.

I talked to my friend about this, but it's still in the back of my head that they're talking about it. Two people have already asked me if I'm going to be "the cross country hero". I know this is silly to let it bug me, but I can't help it. I guess I'm really afraid of letting anybody down. And no, I'm not worried only about that, and yes, I know I should only care about myself and let them say and think whatever the want, but it's still there and I can only let so much roll off my shoulders. They're getting tired of the constant "shrugging it off". (Go ahead, laugh a little, or at least smile and shake your head.)

In other news, I've been really happy recently. Partly because of someone, and partly because of no reason at all. Maybe it's because I've gotten some normal sleep recently. (With the exception of last night on my sewing frenzy.)

Yes, sewing. (I have more tricks up my sleeves than you expected?) I actually just finished a skirt. I've explained it so many times to different people. All I'll say is, it's a simple looking, knee length, white dress with a pink flower patter all over. And as soon as I find (or make) a top that goes with it, I'll war it to school.

And speaking of my sisters (ha ha), they're back from Georgia finally (with exactly one week of summer left). It's weird having them home now, especially with Ashley (the fourteen year old) staying up later than I normally do (hard to believe, I know). I forgot what it's like listening to her move around, right above my ceiling every night. And I'm not used to having Abigail with me to go places such as the grocery store. I guess I better get back into the routine now, huh?

As I mentioned before, school starts in a week. I'm excited, as I'm sure I've said several times in my blog already. I just can't wait to get out of this house and away from all of the cleaning I'm forced to do on a daily basis. Every time I'd ask to go somewhere or have someone over, they'd say, "Sure, just vacuum, clean your bathroom, empty the dishwasher, clean the ferrets cage, feed the cats, clean their litter boxes and while you're down there, do a load of laundry, before you go out."

I really hate complaining a lot but the stuff that is on my mind right now is stuff that I want to complain about.
My dad.
As soon as I woke up this morning, he started picking mini fights with me. Around 9am he burst in my room saying, "I could of sworn that I told you, last night, to get up as a decent hour. So what time was your alarm set for?" (It was set for 10am if you really want to know.) After a half hour, my dad walked in my room again and gave me a nice and long list of chores to do by 12:30, on top of me showering and eating. Then, with a half an hour left, I asked him if I could shower now and vacuum later, when we get back. He said, "I honestly don't care what you do, as long as you're ready to leave at 12:30." So, I said to him, "Well I was just making sure because you told me to vacuum also." And he went off on how I never get anything done around the house.
No comment.

I guess I'll get one more example off my chest while I have you here. While we were waiting for the doctor to come in and give my sister and I shots, my dad motioned to his book that was between my sister and me on the counter thing. He asked if I could hand it to him and Abbey reached for it and gave it to him. He said "thank you" while giving me a sarcastic look. So I decided to argue? I told him that I was going to give it to him but she reached for it first. His response was, "Relax, I'm just giving you grief." So I snapped back, "I know, you have been all day." And he said, getting the last word in as always, "Well you deserve it." I wanted more than anything to scream to him, "What exactly did I do to deserve getting grief from you? What have I done lately? Oh, I know, I cleaned, every single day, and you're never, ever, happy with the work I do. You're just being childish and insecure because you haveto have someone to boss around. And you know that I don't like to talk back to adults because I was taught that they know more than I do and that talking back is disrespectful. But you know what? Adults should set examples, and you are defiantly NOT being respectful to me, and you're not setting a very good example if I do say so myself." But of course, I saved it for my blog instead.

Alright, enough about my dad. And this blog has taken me seven days to write and a couple people are getting restless for me to post my next one. (Sorry for the wait!)

OH! And since I'm finishing this blog on September 1st (I already wished four people "Happy September!"), I get to say that school starts in two days (not counting today)! I just can't wait for the end of September because it seems like that's when your school year has begun, and everything starts moving and everybody is settled in to their own school year. That kind of reminds me of the song by Green Day, Wake Me Up When September Ends. But it's about something totally different than wanting the school year to start.

Okay, there is really no more purpose to this blog, so I think I'm just going to end it with saying, Happy Labor Day and Happy September!