Smile Like You Mean It!

I wrote this on the 16th and only just now felt like putting it up. *Smiles*

Have you ever been lost in thought, thinking about someone who gives you butterflies, and then have somebody interrupt your thoughts with the question, "What cha smilin' about?" Then this question only makes you smile even more? And you can't seem to answer them with the truth so you just smile broadly and say "Oh, nothing..."

After a long time of empty, nothingness (not necessarily bad feelings, just nothing to make you smile), a feeling like that is really refreshing. It's "like a splash of water to my face.." (as Kate Voegele said in her song, Only Fooling Myself). And what's really refreshing is that it's summer and nothing is pressured to happen. You don't have friends who are always trying to "help" and you don't have to see a bunch of people who are always guessing who that someone is that you're thinking about, everyday.

Something else that goes along with this wonderful feeling, is that you constantly relate to songs that make you happy. (I tried so many different ways, trying to explain the song part and I'm still not pleased with that first sentece.) You can easily relate to lyrics like, "You look like you’ve been up all night, And yet somehow still look beautiful, You do it all at the same time, Whenever you walk by, You always look me in the eyes, And in that moment I know the same thing’s on your mind..." or even, "Well maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee, And never ever watch the ten o'clock news, Maybe you should kiss someone nice, Or lick a rock, Or both..." just because of who suggested the song, and what you were thinking about at the time your first heard those lyrics.

Another thing that's funny about different songs is the way you relate them to that person. Even if the song has nothing to do with your feelings, or even if you have no idea what the song is about because you don't really know the words. I guess I'll give an example? (But I guess I don't want to give too much away.) This song, that makes me giggle uncontrollably, is about (I'm guessing, the lyrics are kind of odd.) arguing with a kin and there's hatred and unforgiveness (apparently that's not a word to this spell check...) between them (almost). But every time Regina Spektor gets to the chorus of the song, I start laughing and thinking about the moment we shared with this song. I'm sure you know kind of know what I mean.

Before, I would just smile. Today, I smile broadly and can't stop.

Save some face, you know you've only got one
Change your ways while you're young
Boy, one day you'll be a man
Oh girl, he'll help you understand
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Annotate For Fun!

I annotated this song on a lyrics website, just for fun. And then I realized, what great material it could be for my blog! Enjoy!
(P.S. The song is playing on the little music player!)

Music Box by Regina Spektor

Life inside the music box ain't easy

The mallets hit

The gears are always turning

And everyone inside the mechanism

Is yearning to get out

And sing another melody completely

So different from the one they're always singing

I close my eyes and think that I have found me

But then I feel mortality surround me

I want to sing another melody

So different from the one I always sing

But when I do the dishes

I run the water very very very hot

And then I fill the sink to the top with bubbles of soap

And then I set all the bottle caps I own afloat

And it's the greatest voyage in the history of plastic

And then I slip my hands in and start to make waves

And then I dip my tongue in and take a taste

It tastes like soap but it doesn't really taste like soap

And then I lower in my whole mouth and take a gulp

And start to feel mortality surround me

I close my eyes and think that I have found me

But life inside the music box ain't easy

The mallets hit

The gears are always turning

And every one inside the mechanism
Is yearning to get out

And sing another melody completely

Is yearning to get out

Is yearning to get out

Is yearning to get out

**************************************************************

In the beginning, when she says
"Life inside the music box ain't easy
The mallets hit
The gears are always turning"
I think she's telling the listener that: Life as a musician isn't easy, my brain is always thinking of new things to come up with, "The gears are always turning".
Then, when she says the lines,
"And everyone inside the mechanism
Is yearning to get out
And sing another melody completely
So different from the one they're always singing"
She's explaining that, Everyone inside this mechanism is yearning to get out, or all the musicians are trying to get they're voices heard.
She says, "and sing another melody completely so different from the one they're always singing" meaning that they're trying to come up with new ideas or new styles, different form everyone else and all of the things we're used to hearing.
Then, when she starts singing about the dishes, she's singing about, well, the dishes. Who else sings about doing the dishes? Exactly! "So different from the one they're always singing…"

Life Goes On

You know those mornings when you wake up, and you just lay there, and then you think to yourself, "Today is going to be a good day." Like you can feel it. Then, for the rest of the day, your spirits are up and you don't think about anything that has been bothering you for the past few days. You know what I'm talking about? I'm sure you do.

Well, today was one of those days for me. (This was written on the 20th.) Yes, it's true that I'm still grounded, and yes, I've had to do all these chores that I did yesterday. But all in all, I was really happy today. I was myself. No one was home, so I blasted my music. It was beautiful out, so I turned off the AC and opened all the windows. I did some chores, then I stopped for an hour for breakfast, ate and played around with my camera some (nice sun = great for macro flower shots!) then I did a couple more chores. I had an "epic" adventure while cleaning out the ferret cage, at lunch, and chatted with a couple friends off and on throughout the afternoon. (I even got to take an hour nap while my dad napped after work, surprise surprise.)

After these three terrible days I had, all I've wanted to do was to just be alone and think. That's why today such a great day for me. I was by myself for pretty much the entire day.

I was even in the mood to go for a really long run. And little did I know, how much energy I actually had. So, as soon as I ran up and down the block once, stretched, retrieved a dog from the house, set the little GPS thingy on my wrist, and took one last swig of water, I set off. And I ran. I ran for a while. And I wasn't stopping. I guess when I'm upset, or really thinking about things, running really helps me.

According to my little schedule for training for training for the half marathon at the end of September, I was supposed to run four miles today, four yesterday, and three on Monday. But I didn't run yesterday or the day before, so I guess I made up for it this evening!

As I was running, I became lost in thought, as if in a trance. I thought about my parents and how they're going to react when I tell them about visiting Hofstra with Nana. I thought about college and how I really don't want to live at home if I were to go to a "local" school. Then I thought about where my friends might be going or where they'd like to go and how I might not be as far away from some of them as I had originally assumed. I also thought about a certain someone and how things are going, and might turn out. Because every time I get my hopes up, nothing happens. And I'm wondering if this time, it'll be worth all of the wait. So far it seems pretty hopeful. So I guess we'll see? I'm really hoping things turn out better than they have in the past though.

As I'm in the homestretch of my run, with less than a mile left, someone broke my concentration by honking at me. It was one of those "beep beep" honks, or like a "Hey! I know you so I'm going to say 'Hi' by honking!" honks. So, to whoever that was, Hello.

After my run, I got home and my delicious dinner was just ready for me. My parents were actually in a really happy mood, so I ate in the living room with them. And we watched the Olympics, Project Runway, and Shear Genius (yea guys, I actually watched T.V.) together. Well, my dad wasn't really watching the last two, but we like to say he did.

So now I'm sitting on my bed, with my music softly playing on my computer. And I just paused because I was thinking about that "someone" I mentioned before, and sure enough, as I look at my computer screen, my AIM does a pop up because somebody signed on, and sure enough, it was him. This is something weird I noticed, it seems like every time I'm thinking about him, I either run into him, or he comes online, or I go online and he's there. Maybe I'm a psychic! (haha)

I really can't wait to go back to school. (This next part is directed at someone, who just confirmed today that he doesn't read my blog.) No matter home many times I'm told that I'm "behind schedule". You know what? Who cares? You shouldn't worry about me and what I'm doing as far as college goes. (I always pull through at my own pace anyway.) Just because I'm not out there, going to colleges all of the states, and just because colleges aren't mailing me letter telling me how much they want me for my awesome lacrosse skills, doesn't mean I'm "behind schedule" and it doesn't mean that I'm "not going to get anywhere" or be "totally stressed out for my senior year of high school". I'm taking this year with ease. Whatever happens, happens.

And if I do mess up (with anything in my life, that is), oh well, life goes on (as said in LeAnn Rimes song, Life Goes On).

It's Almost Over...

I think I've put this off long enough. I really need to tell somebody about what I'm feeling and how I haven't been handling it like I should. I've been trying to handle my emotions "gracefully" and not letting them show.

For the past few days, I haven't been happy at all. I haven't been myself whatsoever. I haven't seen any of my friends. I haven't had a good laugh in a while. I haven't shared a funny or happy thought with my parents. Actually, I haven't had a normal conversation with them for that matter.

I'll go back to the beginning of this "not-like-myself" spell to two days ago, when it started.

Sunday morning, I got up at a decent hour to do a couple chores before the cable guy showed up at eleven. My dad was at work and my mom still can't do a whole lot, so I had to do most of the work. So I got out of bed, tidied up around the house, outside and in, and then hung around while the cable guy did his thing. After he left, my mom told me to put on my shoes and get ready to go out with her. We went to Super Cuts so she could get her hair trimmed. While sitting there, waiting for the lady to finish her hair, I realized how much of a headache I had. After she was done, we went to the grocery store and got some things for dinner. During the whole time spent in the store, every step I took sent a pulsing pain straight up to my head.

At home, my mom asked me to vacuum after I helped her with the groceries and emptying the dishwasher. So once I got all of that done, I asked her if she needed any more help. She told me "No, I'm good, just preparing dinner, that's all." So I went and read for a little bit. While reading, I fell asleep. A little over an hour later, I was woken up by my dad standing in my doorway, yelling at me, "Are you sick?! No?? Then why, tell me, why are you sleeping at seven in the evening, when your mother is in the kitchen, cooking your dinner?" And before I could tell him why, he continued, "You know what? Since you're so god damned lazy, all fricken summer, you're going to get up every morning, until school starts, at 8:30 to do chores around here. And you can forget about going anywhere with your friends and driving anywhere for a while. Your dinner is ready, and I suggest you go get it before it gets thrown out." Then he left, slamming my door behind him.

A popular question I had received from my friends when I told them about this was, "Did your mom tell him that she said she didn't need your help?" And I didn't have an answer until now, and that answer is, nope! She was just as pissed off about it as my dad was.

So the next morning, Monday, I woke up at 8:30 and got to work. Around 12:00, my grandmother showed up and both her and my mom went to the beach. They got back around 6:00 and by then, I pretty much cleaned the whole house. My grandmother didn't stay long and my mom laid down on the couch. She hadn't said more than two sentences to me that day until about 8:00 she asked me if I had eaten dinner yet. I told her, "No." and her response was a shrug and her saying, "Well I guess you better find something to eat." So I went into the kitchen and got something to heat up. I asked her if I should just put it in the microwave or add something to it first (since she's really good with cooking and all) and she snapped, "I don't know." And that was that, the end of the conversation.

After I ate, I decided to get lost in thought while listening to music (Kate Voegele!) and painting. Then, around 12 midnight, my dad walked in and told me, "Don't forget to get up early tomorrow. You know what you have to get done, so I suggest you do it." I didn't exactly know what I had to get done, but I was guessing that it was just the basics.

This morning, I slept in an hour late, so it was 9:30 and my mom bursts into my room, "You've got to be kidding me! And to think I almost left for work and you would've been sleeping the entire time!" Then after a few minutes of me waking up and brushing my teeth she came up to me and said, "Here's a hint, I'll start you off with the first thing you have to do, vacuum this level and mop the kitchen." Then she disappeared for a few hours. So I cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed and mopped, then tidied up the bar and the coffee table, lit some candles, and went to straighten up my room.

Eventually, I killed enough time and my dad walks in my room and tells me "Dinner is ready." But the way he says it is like he's still really pissed off at me. So I go into the kitchen and get my food and my mom starts talking about me to my dad. But it's obviously loud enough so she knows I can hear her. She says, "What are we going to do with her? She's unbelievably lazy and she thinks she can get away with it. She refuses to look for a job. She doesn't do anything around here, ever. How are we going to drill it into her head?" (Those of you who are close to me, you'll know that I have been looking and applying for jobs for a while now.) I thought about arguing, but didn't see the point because it never, ever helps me. So I just took my meal into my room, fighting back tears the whole way. Once I shut my door, I tried to eat, but I just didn't feel up to it. So I sat there, with my back to my bed, and cried. i got it all out of my system. Then I crawled into my bed and thought.

It really seems like my parents are very disappointed with me. I don't know what to do to fix it. I've been looking for jobs, and when I'd tell them about the places I've applied to, my dad would tell me to not even bother anymore because school is starting soon. And now this, they're mad because I haven't gotten a job yet?

And then I'll spend all day doing chores, literally, all day. And they're never happy with it. It's never enough. And, as a side note, I haven't gotten an allowance in years, I'm not exaggerating either. The only money I've received has been from babysitting and from my grandmother (even though I try to refuse it from her because my parents will tell me that I don't deserve it.)

I guess the only thing that I'm actually, really upset about is how much my parents show that they disapprove of me. Whether it's from hearing them talk about it, or it's receiving a glare from across the room when I walk by, in front of my mom.

I really do try very hard to make them proud of me. But everything I try never works. i don't know what else I can do that I haven't already tried. I don't even show them when I'm upset because they tell me that I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

This is getting to the point where I'm just so confused and unhappy with my life. I hate the feeling I get when I wake up every morning, knowing that when I walk in to get breakfast, I won't hear a "good morning." from my mom or a "How'd you sleep, kiddo?" from my dad. I'll just see a list of things to do on the bar, or I'll get a call from my dad at work, just so he can make sure I'm awake and starting to do chores. I hate the panicky feeling I get when I look at the clock and realize how little time I have until my parents get home, and how much work I have left to do before then.

All I really want to know is what I have to do to make this all stop. I can't even drive anywhere to get an application at a place where they suggest right now because I'm not allowed to go out because I haven't been looking for a job (confused?).

I also realized today, how much I can't wait for school to start. I looked at my calender and counted the days. Two weeks from tomorrow. Then I'll be able to be gone, out of this house for close to ten hours, five days a week. But I know, that these fourteen days until then, are going to last for an eternity. I just need to cling onto the tiny happy moments I have until then.

I'm Home, Finally

Well, I'm sitting here (dying in the heat) in the car at a rest stop, waiting for Nana to finish walking Joey. We're, um, somewhere between North Carolina and New York. I'm actually about to drive in a minute. Actually, now. (And I just found out that we're in Baltimore.)

well, I'm done driving for the night because Nana is worried about me and here's the reason why:

We just got a call from my dad saying that my mom is in the hospital because she has a blood clot behind one of her knees. She was in a lot of pain for the past couple of days and she hasn't really been able to walk on it. She's has blood clots before that almost cost her and my little sister's (Abbey) life when she was pregnant with Abbey. It's scary to think about, because the chances of her surviving the pregnancy were extremely slim, and the chances of Abbey surviving were even slimmer. So, after Nana told me (after her conversation with dad), I was driving for another half hour, the whole time fighting back tears. I mean, they definitely caught it early, but it's still very frightening to think about.

You know how they say New Jersey is really polluted and all that jazz? Well, (this may or may not be related) I just noticed something about the clouds. The ones closer to the ground are really, really dark (I know they aren't dark due to weather because the clouds are separated and aren't piling up on each other like they do in storms -thank you 5th grade science project-) compared to the other clouds higher up in the atmosphere. It's like comparing the whiteness of a package of brand new, white socks to a pair of socks that are a few years old and are stained from the darker laundry while going through the wash. (I'm not a white sock expert, seeing as all of my socks are all sorts of colors, none of them are white.) Anyway, I'm curious to find out if the color of the clouds depends on the amount of pollution in the air. I mean, it's possible that the sun is in just the right spot to be causing a shadow on the clouds closer to the earth so they appear darker. And I know that a cloud could be over a state for only a couple hours, depending on the winds. "Then why did you just write a whole paragraph on it, Alex? You dunce!" (I know that's what you're thinking, go ahead and admit it!)

Well, I'm kind of in the mood to just listen to music and let it cheer me up, tell me "It's okay." and keep my mind lost for a few hours. (About one and a half hours and I'll be home!)

Who Says You Can't Go Home?

I'm sitting here in a little coffee shop (still in North Carolina) and while I was watching a little girl in a bright lime green shirt walk around, talking with her dad, I couldn't help but smile. It made me realize that even the simplest things can make a little girl happy. Even if it's as simple as walking around a coffee shop, pointing to things for her father to explain what they are. Today, she learned what a stool is. She pointed and asked, "What's that?" and her dad told her that it's a stool and then she asked, "What does it do?" He picked her up and sat her on the stool and scooted it towards the table, then stood behind her as she smiled with glee at the new thing she just discovered. I couldn't help but laugh a little as I watched the two of them.

Another thing, for you frequent readers (all three of you), is that I'm feeling so much better now. Jess called me yesterday while I was at the market, helping my Aunt and Uncle sell their dresses from India while they were in their outside booth. So I was talking to her until my phone beeped that it had a low battery (well, Eric - my cousin - was talking to her at the time) and then I called her on his phone. At the time, I decided to take a break and walk around the market place while talking to Jessica.

I was very pleased to talk with my best friend for a while that day, because the picky customers weren't making me feel happier, that's for sure. I'm really thankful for her cheering me up. (Thank you Jessie!)

Well, I guess I'll stop the painful and agonizing suspense about when I'm coming home. Which I'm looking forward to and all, but the driving all the way, all day, part doesn't sound so appealing now that I'm thinking about it. Okay, okay, I'll stop prolonging the topic. (Out with it, Alex!) I'm coming home, *drum roll*, tomorrow! *Sound of applause.* Yes, I'm very excited, and no, I can't wait (same thing I guess, huh?)

So, I got a couple more things for my friends today (not telling!). You thought I' just go ahead and say it on here, didn't you? I'm more clever than you think. (And witty!)

The moon looks really neat tonight (nice transition, huh?). It's just a sliver of moon, but it's so perfect and simple (there's that word again). If you're anywhere near me, and around the same time of me writing this, go look! (Please.) You probably won't get excited enough to blog about it (because everyone has a blog, ya know) like I am, but hey, it's something to think about. I mean, it's so far away from us. And it's just this huge round rock in the middle of, well, nothing, just orbiting around another rock that contains life and is orbiting around a huge ball of fire. I mean, we think a six foot person is tall, but really, they're just as small as the short people when it comes to everything outside of our atmosphere. I don't know, I don't normally think about this, but the whole moon thing got me going.

Since the last couple blogs have been insanely long, I'll leave this one shorter.

Hmm, This Could Turn Out Interesting

This song, is stuck in my head.


Life, it can twist your heart
Put you in the dark
I was cold and lonely

Doubt, it can close you in
Build the walls within
I let fear control me

And that girl didn't know
Where the answer would be

Right in front of you
Right in front of me
We were looking for it somehow
Somewhere we couldnt see

But the love was always there
Its been around us everywhere
I had to fall to finally see
That you were right in front of me

Faith, it can lift you up
And if you got enough
To reach a new beginning

Love, can withstand strong
In the final hour
Well find the joy in living

Don't let go
Cause that I know
Pretty soon you will see

Right in front of you
Right in front of me
We were looking for it somehow
Somewhere we couldnt see

But the love was always there
Its been around us everywhere
I had to fall to finally see
That you were right in front of me

You are my tomorrow
There's safety in your arms

Where you'll go I'll follow
Cause you're the world where I belong

Right in front of you
In front of me
Somehow we couldnt see

Right in front of you
I had to fall to finally see

Right in front of you
Right in front of me
We were looking for it somehow
Somewhere we couldnt see

But the love was always there
Surrounding us everywhere
I had to fall to finally see

Right in front of you
Right in front of me
We were looking for it somehow
Somewhere we couldnt see

But the love was always there
Surrounding us everywhere
I had to fall to finally see
That you were right in front of me

I finally see... yeah
I had to fall to finally see
That you were right in front of me

Pull Yourself Together, Dammit!

My friend gave me this song to listen to, after a long, boring, miserable (on my part) night into the morning. It's now 3:52am and I'm sitting here, upset.

I'm not exactly sure what's wrong, so maybe I'll pull it out of this blog.

So the song my friend sent to me was Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin. As I'm sitting here, just watching the animated video of one stick figure trying to make the other happy, I burst into tears. I didn't want to tell my friend because I've already been so much of a "Debby Downer" tonight, and I know he reads my blog so I know he'll find out soon.

I don't understand why I'm so sad. I know I'm bored, but I've been a lot more bored before, for an extended amount of time, and I haven't cried about it.

A few things have been going on that could possibly just be all piling on top of each other, and I've been bottling up my emotions about them. Until now, when my body just wants to let it out, so I can go back to my normal, happy self. I mean, I saw one of those things happening for a while, and then other "thing" I should be anything but sad about. I mean, things could actually be going great in the future for that matter (about that "thing). (None of that will make sense unless you're a few select people who, sorry.)

And I don't think I've been too terribly bored. I mean, I bought three new shirts for Pete's sake. And I've been hanging out with my family, and no one has been angry or upset, besides Nana who's sick. Everything around me has been positive, and yet, I'm sitting here, with tears in my eyes, blogging about it.

Maybe a nights rest will help me come to a conclusion? I don't know. I guess I feel a little bit better. And I know one thing is for sure, I'm not going to listen to that song until I know I'm completely, 100% "happy" again. Then I'll see how I react a second time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3S-T0c6dYLc

See? I'm Not Perfect, So Stop Saying It!

I get very tense when I'm behind schedule, even if it's only by a few seconds.

I get very angry over the tiniest things, even if it's something as simple as the way my grandmother says Barns & Nobles with the "s" at the end of Noble, or Jimmy Neutrons with the added "s" that doesn't belong.

I critique myself everyday and I'm very self conscious, but I don't care what people think about me.

I don't like anything about myself, but I would never change anything about me.

I get jealous over something very tiny, but that jealousy lasts maybe 10 minutes, tops.

I don't get enough sleep, and it makes me feel horrible, but I continue to do so.

I crack my knuckles.

I have terrible vision.

I have so, so many things wrong with my feet.

I have bad skin.

I play with one strand of hair, over and over again because it's smooth, and I can't help it.

If someone older guy flirts with me, I'll just laugh and act like it didn't happen, when I should be insulted.

I see my mom's personality in mine, and sometimes I'm afraid of how I'll turn out as an adult.

I don't want to grow up because I don't know how well I'll be able to take care of myself.

I get lost easily when I drive myself, but when someone else drives, I know where I am at all times.

I eat healthier when I'm on vacation than I do at home.

I take what my family says about me to heart, especially if it's something they disapprove of.

I want people to know what my problems are, but I don't want to tell them, ever.

I can be very sensitive at times, especially if my parents get angry at me.

I'm competitive when I know someone is better at something than I am.

I'm afraid of being alone sometimes.

I never, ever feel awkward, but I know when someone feels awkward and I do nothing about it.

I'll still talk to people who are mean to me over and over again.

I forgive people too easily.

I'm no where near perfect, and I really hate hearing the words "You're/he's/she's/they're perfect."

(This blog is directed to someone in particular.)