Frustration... "Easy Tiger"

Okay, so here I am, taking out my frustration on this poor keyboard. I have a lot to say, and I'm not planning out what I'm about to write, so if it's all scattered and I go off on tangents out of no where, just bare with me. (It makes sense in my mind.)

Lately I've been holding in everything I want to say. Like, when someone asks me if I want to talk about what's bothering me, I'll say something like "I don't know how to explain it just yet." (Now you know why Brandon =P ) I've been holding my tongue and I've been "good" about not talking about people (because I don't like to talk about friends behind their backs) but sometimes, you just need to let it all out and say what's on your mind.

I'm not using any names, but if you know me well enough and you know kind of what's been bothering me, then you should be able to follow my thoughts.

So this vacation was going all fine and dandy, I had a lot planned. I couldn't wait to hang out with certain people, avoid others, actually talk to my old friends, and all the usual teenage excitements. Well that's not really what went down. One of the people who I was looking forward to hanging out with decided to disappear off the face of the earth without any warning whatsoever. Even when I call, the cell phone is off and no one is home. So I just say to myself, "Whatever, when they wanna talk, they'll talk. I'm not saying that I'll be all peachy and happy about it, but so be it." (Of course I'm not one to be mad at a person for more than 24 hours. And when I should be mad, I have Jess there to remind me. =] ) So I finally got over the whole disappearance thing and moved on. I'll just see them in school I guess. Whatever, I don't really care that much anymore, nope, not me. Look, I'm all carefree. *insert favorite angry face here*
Well, I guess I have a reason for being distracted from the missing person. This OTHER person comes out of no where, as if they are coming back from hiding. (I guess when one runs away, the other comes running?) All of the sudden, we're talking again just like everything is back to normal. And it's great, I mean, they're nice to me now, they seem to enjoy talking to me, hanging out with me, laughing with me, all that great stuff. Seriously, everything has been going just fine.
That is, everything was going just fine until something happened. This has happened before and I don't like it. This "happening" likes to latch on and doesn't let go until everything is a total destruction and no one can make things go back to normal, for a very long time. This has happened to a group of friends, a few "almost" couples. A few relationships that turned bad. This almost happened to one of my very good friends, but luckily I was able to save him before it was too late.
So, back to what happened, and how everything is quickly tumbling into a big, large pit of doom with millions of sharp, pointy spears sticking upwards to catch things as they fall into it. This is what I feel like, deep inside my mind, it may not look like I feel this way on the outside behind my, always there smile, but truth is, it's actually, kind of hurting me emotionally. I'm not yet sure if it's jealousy or not, but it really makes me fell ugly inside and extremely angry. I shouldn't feel this way because other factors are reassuring me that this "happening" isn't going to succeed. But a small part of me knows that if she stays where she is, and keeps pushing every so slightly like she has before, all hell will break loose (in my eyes) and everything will go wrong. Especially with prom coming up.
Prom! Why is it so hard to just go to prom and have a good time and not worry about what other people are doing before or afterwards?! Just be happy and get yourself all pretty and flirty (because that's what we're all good at) and enjoy the day while you have it. YOUR junior prom only happens once, so go to it, keep your mouth shut, keep your mind sensible, don't do anything stupid, and just enjoy the night. Don't worry about what other people think, don't sit there and sulk and be angry because you didn't get what you want for that one, single day. Who cares if your dress isn't as stunning or expensive as the other girls sitting at the table next to you. Who cares if you wore that dress to a sweet sixteen two years ago. No one, no one cares. You don't see guys worrying if everyone will notice that they wore the same tux to the National Spanish Honors Society induction ceremony. You don't see them caring if everyone knows that they don't have a date and they're sitting at a table with all guys or their friends who happen to be in couples. I guess you could say, "Stop being selfish. Just for this one awesome day."
And! What does it matter if you're going alone or not? No one is going to judge you if they see that you didn't come in with some hottie who dances like a pro. No one is going to judge you if you get up and dance with your best friend and not that hottie who you walked in with or without. No one cares if you and a bunch of your friend dance in a circle without your boyfriend or girlfriend attached to your side.
Honestly, all of this pressure to look the best, and to have a date, and to be in the biggest limo, and to go to the best after party, and to spend thousands of dollars to make it your best night ever, is just mental. Yes, it's mental. And it makes me mental just thinking about it. Okay, okay, so I'm a little guilty when it comes to wanting a new and gorgeous dress, but I don't want to go to a huge party afterwards, I want to have a sleepover and movie night with my best friends. I don't want to be in the best limo with a ton of people I don't know, I want to get driven by someone who I know and be with people who I know I'll have fun and laugh with. I want to have a fun and carefree time.
Also, the person I'm going with to junior prom? Yeah, I kind of don't like the idea of someone trying to compete with me in order to try to prove that he doesn't like me in any way whatsoever and that he's "playing me" and doesn't really care anything about me. No, none of this crap is true, and it's not going to become true and that's not changing. We are going to prom together and we are going to have a fun time. I know that sounds a little harsh, but for a while it was just me and him talking, and everything was all fine and dandy, then all of the sudden, something happened and it's trying to suck him away little by little, carefully and stealthily. He knows it's happening, I know it's happening, and that certain person also knows it's happening. And it's not going to go on much longer because, even though this is not like me, I WILL step in and say something and put a stop to it. Yes, this may be my "competitive" side showing, but drastic (Thank you for confirming this word Brandon. =] ) measures are going to to need to be taken soon, and I'm preparing myself now.
PEOPLE need to STOP assuming things about me and my ex-boyfriend, NOW. No, we are not dating again. No, we aren't going to prom together. No, we did not hang out over the break. NO, his ex-girlfriend and I are NOT "out to get each other". No, I did not give him the letter, that is NOT a love letter, that is NOT a letter telling him that "I still love him and want him badly", that is NOT a letter that is bashing his ex-girlfriend, that EVERYONE seem to be talking about. (Gee, I didn't know writing on little thing that's written in a blog could become the number one hot topic to talk about, in only one week.)

Oddly, I just ran out of steam and I haven't even brushed the surface yet. But don't worry, I'll pick up from here really soon!



P.S. Wow, and I went all this way without a word spelt wrong. Just a couple typo's with the word "just", as usual.