Frustration... "Easy Tiger"

Okay, so here I am, taking out my frustration on this poor keyboard. I have a lot to say, and I'm not planning out what I'm about to write, so if it's all scattered and I go off on tangents out of no where, just bare with me. (It makes sense in my mind.)

Lately I've been holding in everything I want to say. Like, when someone asks me if I want to talk about what's bothering me, I'll say something like "I don't know how to explain it just yet." (Now you know why Brandon =P ) I've been holding my tongue and I've been "good" about not talking about people (because I don't like to talk about friends behind their backs) but sometimes, you just need to let it all out and say what's on your mind.

I'm not using any names, but if you know me well enough and you know kind of what's been bothering me, then you should be able to follow my thoughts.

So this vacation was going all fine and dandy, I had a lot planned. I couldn't wait to hang out with certain people, avoid others, actually talk to my old friends, and all the usual teenage excitements. Well that's not really what went down. One of the people who I was looking forward to hanging out with decided to disappear off the face of the earth without any warning whatsoever. Even when I call, the cell phone is off and no one is home. So I just say to myself, "Whatever, when they wanna talk, they'll talk. I'm not saying that I'll be all peachy and happy about it, but so be it." (Of course I'm not one to be mad at a person for more than 24 hours. And when I should be mad, I have Jess there to remind me. =] ) So I finally got over the whole disappearance thing and moved on. I'll just see them in school I guess. Whatever, I don't really care that much anymore, nope, not me. Look, I'm all carefree. *insert favorite angry face here*
Well, I guess I have a reason for being distracted from the missing person. This OTHER person comes out of no where, as if they are coming back from hiding. (I guess when one runs away, the other comes running?) All of the sudden, we're talking again just like everything is back to normal. And it's great, I mean, they're nice to me now, they seem to enjoy talking to me, hanging out with me, laughing with me, all that great stuff. Seriously, everything has been going just fine.
That is, everything was going just fine until something happened. This has happened before and I don't like it. This "happening" likes to latch on and doesn't let go until everything is a total destruction and no one can make things go back to normal, for a very long time. This has happened to a group of friends, a few "almost" couples. A few relationships that turned bad. This almost happened to one of my very good friends, but luckily I was able to save him before it was too late.
So, back to what happened, and how everything is quickly tumbling into a big, large pit of doom with millions of sharp, pointy spears sticking upwards to catch things as they fall into it. This is what I feel like, deep inside my mind, it may not look like I feel this way on the outside behind my, always there smile, but truth is, it's actually, kind of hurting me emotionally. I'm not yet sure if it's jealousy or not, but it really makes me fell ugly inside and extremely angry. I shouldn't feel this way because other factors are reassuring me that this "happening" isn't going to succeed. But a small part of me knows that if she stays where she is, and keeps pushing every so slightly like she has before, all hell will break loose (in my eyes) and everything will go wrong. Especially with prom coming up.
Prom! Why is it so hard to just go to prom and have a good time and not worry about what other people are doing before or afterwards?! Just be happy and get yourself all pretty and flirty (because that's what we're all good at) and enjoy the day while you have it. YOUR junior prom only happens once, so go to it, keep your mouth shut, keep your mind sensible, don't do anything stupid, and just enjoy the night. Don't worry about what other people think, don't sit there and sulk and be angry because you didn't get what you want for that one, single day. Who cares if your dress isn't as stunning or expensive as the other girls sitting at the table next to you. Who cares if you wore that dress to a sweet sixteen two years ago. No one, no one cares. You don't see guys worrying if everyone will notice that they wore the same tux to the National Spanish Honors Society induction ceremony. You don't see them caring if everyone knows that they don't have a date and they're sitting at a table with all guys or their friends who happen to be in couples. I guess you could say, "Stop being selfish. Just for this one awesome day."
And! What does it matter if you're going alone or not? No one is going to judge you if they see that you didn't come in with some hottie who dances like a pro. No one is going to judge you if you get up and dance with your best friend and not that hottie who you walked in with or without. No one cares if you and a bunch of your friend dance in a circle without your boyfriend or girlfriend attached to your side.
Honestly, all of this pressure to look the best, and to have a date, and to be in the biggest limo, and to go to the best after party, and to spend thousands of dollars to make it your best night ever, is just mental. Yes, it's mental. And it makes me mental just thinking about it. Okay, okay, so I'm a little guilty when it comes to wanting a new and gorgeous dress, but I don't want to go to a huge party afterwards, I want to have a sleepover and movie night with my best friends. I don't want to be in the best limo with a ton of people I don't know, I want to get driven by someone who I know and be with people who I know I'll have fun and laugh with. I want to have a fun and carefree time.
Also, the person I'm going with to junior prom? Yeah, I kind of don't like the idea of someone trying to compete with me in order to try to prove that he doesn't like me in any way whatsoever and that he's "playing me" and doesn't really care anything about me. No, none of this crap is true, and it's not going to become true and that's not changing. We are going to prom together and we are going to have a fun time. I know that sounds a little harsh, but for a while it was just me and him talking, and everything was all fine and dandy, then all of the sudden, something happened and it's trying to suck him away little by little, carefully and stealthily. He knows it's happening, I know it's happening, and that certain person also knows it's happening. And it's not going to go on much longer because, even though this is not like me, I WILL step in and say something and put a stop to it. Yes, this may be my "competitive" side showing, but drastic (Thank you for confirming this word Brandon. =] ) measures are going to to need to be taken soon, and I'm preparing myself now.
PEOPLE need to STOP assuming things about me and my ex-boyfriend, NOW. No, we are not dating again. No, we aren't going to prom together. No, we did not hang out over the break. NO, his ex-girlfriend and I are NOT "out to get each other". No, I did not give him the letter, that is NOT a love letter, that is NOT a letter telling him that "I still love him and want him badly", that is NOT a letter that is bashing his ex-girlfriend, that EVERYONE seem to be talking about. (Gee, I didn't know writing on little thing that's written in a blog could become the number one hot topic to talk about, in only one week.)

Oddly, I just ran out of steam and I haven't even brushed the surface yet. But don't worry, I'll pick up from here really soon!



P.S. Wow, and I went all this way without a word spelt wrong. Just a couple typo's with the word "just", as usual.

Me.

I'm standing in my kitchen, writing a rough draft for my blog waiting for the sink to fill up with warm water so I can mop the kitchen. Blink-182 is blasting from my little iHome in the bathroom and my hands smell like wood floor cleaner. I just washed them in the bathroom sink with anti-bacterial liquid soap and they already smell like cleaner. While washing my hands, I watched my face in the mirror. I looked at my skin and realized that for years, it has never been "perfect". I looked at my eyes and tried to remember the last time I put make up on. I looked at my arms and remembered that I never have had (and probably will never have) toned arms, or any upper arm strength for that matter. I looked at my stomach (I'm wearing a sports bra and work out pants) and noticed that I can see some tonation (yes I made up my own word) in my abs. I looked at my ribs and shook my head because I'm frustrated that, no matter how hard I try, I can't gain any weight whatsoever. I know that some people will call me lucky and all that jazz, but it frustrates me mainly because I'm not able to control the amount of weight I gain. I know that sounds dumb or whatever, and I can't really explain why it annoys me, so you're just going to have to bare with me.

I had more to vent about, but words are not coming to my mind at the moment. I guess I'll have to do the "unhealthy" thing and bottle it all up until it just explodes and pours out. Then I'll make a "sufficiently enormous blog to manifest my internal intuitions and cerebrate about my surroundings". (hehe Jess =P )

Another Sleepless Night

it sucks.

Saturday's Are Not My Best

So it is yet, another Saturday that I have spent NOT at a track meet/invitational. I passed my road test on Tuesday and I've been driving everywhere since then. This morning, I was supposed to get up at 6:30 and get everything all ready to go, and then I was going to drive myself to the school and catch the bus for the invitational. But it never fails, I was wide awake at 4:30am and I tried falling asleep but I couldn't. Somewhere around 6:20 I finally fell asleep, and by then I had turned my alarms off because I thought it was pointless to keep them on if I was already awake. Big mistake. The next time I woke up, it was 7:59. I have nothing else to say on that topic.

So now I'm sitting here at my computer after helping my mom with laundry and cleaning out the cat boxes (gag). I decided that I'd write a blog and then, since I missed track, I'd go for a nice, long run. Later, my mom wants me to help her give our cat a lion cut. He's a Maine-coon, so this should be interesting.

I'm sitting here in a huge purple sweatshirt and my ex-boyfriends boxers, and I'm feeling slightly conflicted. I don't know what to do today. I don't know if I want to go out to Lake Grove and pick my sister up and get her lunch, or do I want to stay here and try to find the huge spider that's lurking in the shadows of my room. Do I want to go to the beach? Do I want to go out to the Nature Preserve and walk around or take pictures? I need to pick something before the day escapes me.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping and then I went to McDonald's to pick up my sister and her friend dinner. On the way to the store, I decided that I go a really long way and see where I can drive on my own. Since it was only my third day with a licence, I wanted to see if I could find something without help. So I found the Nature Preserve. I pulled in and my friend called me so I sat in the little parking place and talked to him for a little while. After that, I made my way to the grocery store and then went home. After I unloaded the groceries and did some things around the house. I asked my sister and her friend what they wanted from McDonald's and left. Only I didn't go there first. I went the opposite way and just drove. I was listening to Jack Johnson and I got lost in thought. Eventually, I stopped at a stop sign and realized that I didn't know where I was. So I turned around and somehow made my way back to familiar places and picked up McDonald's. On the way home, I decided to take a quick detour and wound my way up in front of my ex-boyfriends house. Not much has changed, but I guess I wasn't looking for change. I knew he wasn't home, but I just wanted to see his home, just to see it I guess. I have a letter to give him, and I want to put it on his front porch. (I know he'll probably never read this so I'm not worried that he'll find out in advance.) But I've been meaning to give this to him for a long time now. It's nothing really big, it's like a, "I'm-glad-we're-still-friends-because-your-friendship-means-a-lot-to-me" letter. I have it all written, now I just have to find a way to get it on his front porch.

I'm going to end this now because I don't want to keep rambling on about nothing.

Until next time!

"Out of Control" Children

Put yourseld in my position and think about this:

Do you like it when people start to talk about you, and they don't say your name, but they make sure that you know who they're talking about? And then when you know and you show signs to them that you know like, "Okay, I get it, you can stop now..." They still keep going, just to make you feel even more like crap. And then you realize that they're not going to stop unless you do something to please them, like getting up in the middle of your dinner to do the dishes. Or offering to quit track so you can come home everyday to clean the whole house so your mother doesn't have to do it.

I know this sounds a little harsh, but it doesn't make sense.

I know that my mom grew up in a tough household with a single mother who worked two jobs. I know she had to do a lot of chores. I know she kept straight A's without anyone having to keep on her about it. I know all of these things. And I also know that I can be lazy sometimes, all people do.

But also, I do do a lot of chores and things around the house (being the oldest), and I know I do a lot more than my two sisters.
I've never complained once about doing chores and homework and track. Not once.
I have never yelled at my parents, and I've never hit my sisters.
I don't do drugs.
I don't drink.
I don't go to parties.
I don't even stay out late with friends.
I don't ask for gifts and things on special occasions.
I don't even curse, in school, out of school, at home, or outside.
I never ask for a ride home, I always take the bus.
I never ask my parents for anything "last minute", always a day or two in advance.
I respect my parents. I do my chores. I call my grandmothers. I do everything they ask me to do, as soon as they ask me to do it. I'm a good kid. And I don't understand how my mom talks to my grandmother and dad like I'm not even there and tells them that I don't do anything whatsoever. It really hurts my feelings and it really, really makes me upset. I don't know how else to please her than to quit track and yearbook, stop hanging out with my friends, never go in my room, and clean all day and night.

I don't understand how she calls me and my sister's "out of control" when clearly, we are not. There are kids out there who will scream at their parents, and stay out late and not call home, curse around their friends to look cool, and not even not lift a finger to help out around the house.

Maybe I'm over reacting, maybe I'm being "spoiled" and "out of control". But I know that I certainly don't feel that way.