My life has been so blah for the past couple weeks. I just got over being sick, my parents were really mad at me a couple weeks ago (which I think is what started the whole downpour of badness), college stuff has been making me so worried and stressed, and to top that off, my dad doesn't want me going anywhere. And you and I can both agree that getting away, and going somewhere is exactly what I need to do.
Which brings me to the next thing that has me down in the dumps. Going away for college. When/IF I go away, upstate or even to Sacred Heart in CT, what's going to happen with my relationships here. Not only with my family (which shouldn't change too much) but with my boyfriend, best friend and other really great friends, my friends who are in college already, friends who don't know what they're going to do with their lives... the list goes on and on. And it's scary. Going out into the big world, it's just really a scary thought, and eventually (more sooner than later) I'm going to have to make decisions that I don't want to make, talk about things I don't want to talk about, do things I don't want to do, and go on with my life with my head up and eyes open for new experiences and my future ahead of me.
I can't really look up to an older sibling or a relative who went to college after high school and ask them for advice, because I don't have anyone who did. (Sure, my dad. But he's not one of the, "Happy Harry's" or "Advice Adam's" in this situation. And he only went to one semester in a community college and now he thinks that that's the answer to all my problems and choices.)
As a matter of fact, I know I can do this whole, college thing, on my own, or partially on my own, and I know I don't have to listen to my dad about my decision because it's my life now, and it's my future, and it's supposed to be in my hands at this point. I understand the whole financial part gets you in the long run, but I'm willing to live with it if it means that I can go to the college I want and get on with the career that I've always wanted, for the majority of my life.
Tomorrow, no, Senior Night, Saturday, nope, Armory for track all day.. Sunday! I am going to sit down, e-mail my counselor and hope she replies because she isn't doing much right now, and tell her my situation, get her help, then I'm going to call Nana and explain everything to her. Then, if my dad doesn't want to handle the application fees, I'll hand him the money, ask for a check in return (if not, I'll resort to Nana) and get this all over with. And that's my final decision. All this stress, all this worrying, all this "Maybe I should stay on the island just to keep my dad happy." it's ending. It's ending now. It ends tonight, as I'm writing these words. I'm ready to start my life with a new view, with the words, "I can do this."
Now that I got that out of my system, I'm going to bed.
